So here we are again. Back at square one. This place yeah. Every time. Every bloody time.
The craziest thing is though, every-time I’ve been here, I always end up looking at this place crazy different you know. Almost like I’ve never been here before or like I look around each time like how did I miss this THE LAST TIME.
I’d like to think I work fairly hard, if I’m being brutally honest I don’t work or push myself as hard as I should and could. Defeated. Like super beat up. That’s how my body and mental feels. Constantly.
I took a trip to Ghana, came back and in my first month back nearly relapsed so hard. Made me question it all for a second. Had I healed? Was I lying to myself? Was I just happier back home in Ghana? Or.. was I just scared?
Scared to not amount to what I saw back home? Scared to not be an example to my new brothers and sisters? Then another question hit me… why am I scared? What am I scared of or about? Why do I hold back? Why do I not trust people? Just a lot of whys.
Ite.. let’s bring this back in for a second. I’m rambling on. Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasically….. It’s a lot. Not in a bad way anymore just that its a lot.
I’m trying new things, trying new feelings, and allowing new things in my life and relearn things that I had cast away. Money doesn’t make me happy but it helps get shit done.
I looked at a lot of successful people and my next question was… what makes a person great after they make themselves great.
The audience. The people they have around them makes a difference. You either become great and have people bring you down, people leach of you or they continue to push you from great to greater things. Your audience. The people in front of you and the people you entertain.
So again… Who is in your audience?
Do they support your show? Do they invest in your show? Are your viewers the one you want?
When I decided to write this, I got to work and just started writing, I’ve done this at least twice now… ON THE SAME FUCKING TOPIC… I guess I was trying to make it perfect, just like everything else in my life. Perfection. Finding the right time. The right this, the right that. Finding the perfect moment to execute. Forever pushing things back because it wasn’t right. Ok.. and where has that got me… writing out this same thing only this time I’m doing it from my work desk at 11:56 am and I need to buss a shit.
Random but was needed. Lool. Sorry not sorry but you get what I’m saying.
It’s a lot. I’ve been juggling a lot of shit. Mental health, finances, being a ‘public figure’, I had a stalker earlier in the year still do by the looks of things, found love, found peace, back in the gym, rekindling this love-hate relationship with music…. Sigh. Music.
Till date, I had the best time recording my first tape #Heartbreaks&Lyrics. I was working in Camden at the time. Booking my annual leave, going Birmingham, sleeping on chairs, tables, couches, floors whatever really. I had to get this tape done yo!!
It was probably one of the hardest things to do because I knew once I started that was it.
Now we here. Battling depression and anxiety all because of it. I used to live in a studio ( when I was homeless), worst time of my life. I think that’s what added to fucking me up so bad. Me, live in a studio and not make any music. Not learn anything, just there. Sleeping in the corner. Day and night. Staying inside. Not going anywhere, not doing anything. Just sitting there. Wake up, look at the studio, throughout the day just listen to people make their tunes etc. shit I even wrote some songs for niggas dafuq!! My bars people out there singing yakno. Smh. Anyway,y life inih.
But it was tough man, I ain’t gonna act about it. It was a very hard time. I fell out of love for it. Was causing too much pain. It’s like riding shotgun for this girl and coming to find out she’s been loving the crew and associates. Chale your girl paaaa people just dey take chop and pass am. Zoot sef some people make selfish kraaa so no b everybody go fit take some, you bab. But still… no yawa. Just became a model. Little shoots here and there, landed an advert for Hungry House and that, shortly after that BKChat ( Boop Boop ). I expected things to change a little, it did. I’ve gained so much understanding from that particular time in this journey, I saw what the industry is actually like. The people, the flex, I mean everything.
Yo, you know how many people switch up on you… peoples perception of you becomes maaaaddddd crazy. I mean I was getting judged and told I was broke simply because of a comment and a change in stance from an episode from a show… like really?? Death threats, people disrespecting my dead friends, all for what? RTs? Likes? Following a mass of people who were quick to make everything out of nothing.
What I found was even worse, people who told the world they had mental health issues but never not once saw the changes in myself, although they claimed to be going through it themselves or able to notice it etc.
I was spiraling and it was just because people changed so much. I ain’t blown yet. I’m just around the people that have. I know I still have work to do. That ain’t the problem. It’s the audience. It’s me.
I spent too long living in my head, dealing with the past 10yrs and more in my head. I’ve been alone for years, got my handful of friends since I was 18. They are all I know. I don’t trust anybody else.
Look a point in time will come where you go in autopilot. The difference is you don’t just go into autopilot and fly, you take control. You make things HAPPEN. Not for anyone else but for YOU. Listen… ask yourself…
- What do I want from life?
- 2. What do I deserve?
- 3. Am I trying?
- 4. Do I have a plan?
- 5. Where have I failed before?
- 6. How/why did I fail?
- 7. What’s the new plan?
- 8. Who do I know that can help? If you ain’t got nobody FIND SOMEONE.
- 9. Do you need space?
- 10. Are you happy?
- 11. Are you ready to do something about it?
We have power in our words. We have power in thought. We need to practice these things. Not just for a day, not just for the week, month. Fuck all that. Let’s get it. Make the change you want to become the norm you want. Live what you deserve. Live it now. Like now-now.
It is hard, no lie it’s hard but picture this. Growing older, looking at yourself, fuck your husband or wife or kids… YOU will look at yourself and know you could have gone so much harder for YOU.
You will never forgive yourself. You will never forgive yourself for not trying.
So… what’s it gone to be Tom?
Either way, it’s gonna hard. Hard to do it now or harder when you try to do it later.
Just start doing. Even if you fail in doing at least you tried but most of all. You did it.
- The Kid