The Successful AHCA Vote Turned Me Into A Republican
As a conformist Millennial, I grew up wanting to make the world a better place, and thus I have voted in every national election, mostly for Bart Simpson or whatever Democrat I had at least heard of, but I was clear on at least one key thing: I did not want to live in whatever backwater third-world country was being idolized by Republicans. This is how I led my life; brainwashed by social media and peer pressure, taught to prioritize the collective good instead of my own personal gain.
However, having recently turned 30, I’ve come to a startling conclusion. This whole time, I have been wrong about how to make America great again. It’s been staring me in the face this whole time — conveniently written on a number of people’s hats. Donald Trump is actually a genius, and I wish more people paid close attention to his agenda, because I think it might actually work. Since most people have misunderstood his agenda, as the FAKE MEDIA have been misreporting it this entire time, I’ll enumerate some of the main points for you below.
- KILL OLD PEOPLE. This is the main thrust of his AHCA plan, and I think it’ll make a huge difference in the average American’s quality of life. Previously, when I was stupid, I thought we ought to try to improve their quality of life in order to bring the average up. But I’m not a visionary like Donald Trump. He realized that the fastest way to bring up the average was to kill off the oldest and sickest people and remove them as a factor entirely. It brings the whole average up dramatically! At the same time, it also helps lower unemployment rates as well as taking some of the pressure off of social security. It turns out that Donald Trump is a statistical genius! He solves three problems just by making sure that old people die sooner. As a Millennial, I’ve always found old people annoying, so I am in HUGE AGREEMENT with this pillar of his platform. I just wish that he would announce publicly that this is his strategy so that we could hold rallies and demonstrations in support of killing old people. I mean, look, I’m not saying we need to go around and shoot them in the head, I just think they should only be encouraged to remain alive if they either have a job or enough money to live on that they won’t cost the taxpayer anything and don’t inconvenience anyone else by breathing.
- KILL POOR PEOPLE. Poor people are uncool. They can’t afford iphones or vinyl records or anything worth having in life, and they basically make us all depressed. Every time I read about poor people, I get sad, and Donald Trump wants to change that. We need a lot less poor people than we used to. It used to be that having a poor person in your town gave you someone to feel better than, but now that we have the Internet, we can know that other people are poorer than us without having to live anywhere near them. I mean, look, years ago, we used to need poor people, to do jobs we didn’t want to do, like answering phones, or raising our children, or flipping our burgers and bagging our groceries. But now a smartphone can do the first two things, and I’m pretty sure Silicon Valley is working on building robots to do the other two. So we really don’t *need* poor people anymore. Donald Trump’s plan is to help us transition to our high-tech future by killing off enough poor people that society is no longer burdened by them. And let’s be honest, if they’re poor AND sick, what kind of quality of life do they have anyways? Isn’t it kinder to let them go than to put them through painful surgeries only to continue to eat dog food afterwards? What kind of monster are you?
- MAKE RICH PEOPLE RICHER. I’ve been in the workforce for 8 years now, and thanks to my father have finally been promoted to start making a quarter million per year. Marge in accounting thinks that I don’t deserve it, but I definitely do, because I show up to work literally 40 hours a week, even though it’s pretty much optional for me. I earn every penny of that $250,000, and I really don’t think I should have to pay anything in taxes. The government didn’t show up to my work and do my job for me for 14% of the week, so why should they get 14% of my money? Marge says most people pay more than 14%, but those people should probably hire my tax accountant, because the man is a wizard. Marge also tried to claim that I use roads and other shit that the government builds, but that’s a terrible argument. Roads are for plebes, I literally only go anywhere in my helicopter. So again, why should I pay for it? Donald Trump totally gets this. All the poor people stuff that the government does should be paid for by poor people. If they need it so bad, they will figure out how to get a million dollar loan from somewhere, right? Just suck it up and get the loan, and later they can always default on it and have the bank write it off like everyone else does. This is basic money management skills, and if poor people would only learn them, they wouldn’t be poor anymore!
- BUILD A WALL. As a Millennial, I actually have nothing against immigrants or whatever. I mean, look, I fucking love strawberries, and without immigrants, who’s gonna pick them for me? Those U-pick strawberry places are fun once in a while, but not every time you want to Instagram a strawberry shortcake you’re not going to eat, right? But the wall is still a fantastic idea, as long as Mexico pays for it. Without a strong border fence around the Southern part of our country, people are going to keep trying to leave. Let’s be real here, no one is going to move to Canada, that’s why everyone is always threatening to move to Canada. Canada is cold, no one actually wants to live there. It’s meant to be a rhetorical exclamation, everyone knows that no one means it. But Mexico actually has warm weather and they like real sports, like racing cars (not hockey). And they make a lot of tequila and have beaches and shit. Basically, it’s a million times better than Florida, and Florida is really the pinnacle of the US, that’s why we built Disney World there, so everyone can know the best of the USA. Without a border wall, people are probably going to try to actually leave and move to Mexico. The rumors we’ve started about lots of drugs and guns in Mexico will only work for so long, and once we start killing poor people and old people, they will probably try to leave (especially the old people, because all of their prescriptions are cheaper down there). And look, we can’t have that. If Grammy moves to Mexico, she probably won’t die as soon, and then I’ll have to work this job until I’m 35 before I’m even a multi-millionaire. And if all the poor people move down there as well, then that will statistically make me more poor. I’m like, barely hanging on in the top 5% as it is, if the bottom 90% move to Mexico, that would make me middle class, ugh. So Trump gets it. We definitely need a wall. It’s completely a matter of national security.
What I’m basically saying is that everything those liberal elites at Harvard taught me is a lie, except for what I learned in Skull & Bones about how great fascism is. I just wish I’d realized sooner that compassion and empathy are vestigial emotions. Maybe if all Millennials came to that conclusion, people would stop accusing us all the time of how self-involved we are.