Decision Time: Garden Hose vs. Snake

Pictured above: a benign garden hose.

A recent proposal in my home state of Massachusetts would potentially place residents of the Bay State into a “snake-pit” of a situation in terms of there being “an influx of poisonous snakes” in Massachusetts. The short version of what the state wants to do is as follows:

Breed and raise 150 venomous timber rattlesnakes until they’re good and strong, then turn them loose on protected land in the middle of the Quabbin Reservoir.

This plan raises many concerns. The biggest issue would of course be whether people could effectively distinguish between a garden hose and venomous timber rattlesnake.

As a matter of public safety & personal service, I’ve compiled some helpful questions for the residents of Massachusetts to aid in their decision-making.


  1. Is your garden hose constantly rattling and trying to slither away into the underbrush? It is probably a venomous timber rattlesnake
  2. When you go to water your begonias, does your garden hose emit just a dribble of venom as opposed to a steady stream of water? You may be dealing with a venomous timber rattlesnake.
  3. Has your garden hose ever bitten and/or killed one or more members of your family? There is a pretty good chance it is a venomous timber rattlesnake.
  4. When you attempt to coil up your garden hose, does it hiss at you and bite you in the arms or face? You should consult a professional immediately as you may actually be handling a venomous timber rattlesnake.
  5. How many times a week does your garden hose detach from the outdoor faucet and slither around in your backyard? If you answered “1 or more,” I’d suggest researching venomous timber rattlesnakes.
  6. Has your garden hose ever suddenly latched onto your buttocks or genitals resulting in you running around screaming in pain? Statistically speaking, you were probably attacked by a venomous timber rattlesnake.
  7. Has your garden hose ever suggested you partake of the Forbidden Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge (often in the form of an apple) despite The Lord explicitly stating you should not? Venomous timber rattlesnake
  8. When you play mariachi songs that feature maracas or other shaker-type instruments, does your garden hose rattle along with the music? It’s a venomous timber rattlesnake.
  9. Would you describe your garden hose’s fangs as “noticeably sharp” or “non-existent?” If you answered the former, you’re dealing with a venomous timber rattlesnake.
  10. When you attempt to host a sexy carwash in your driveway, do most of the participants end up covered in snake bites rather than soap suds? There may be a venomous timber rattlesnake at play.

Stay safe, Massachusetts.