Spider

Rocky was 24 and still a virgin. He was smart, handsome, and kind (as far as he could tell), so it really should have been easy for him to get laid. All of his friends had. But for some reason, he just couldn’t manage to get a girl into bed. He tried every strategy he could think of — pretending to be rich, pretending to be educated, pretending that he led a life of adventure — but nothing seemed to work.

One evening — Halloween, in fact — Rocky was at a party. He was dressed as Spider Man. Spiders are spooky, right? Rocky was gulping down a pumpkin spice milk tea while chatting with his friend Dave (who was dressed as a squirrel, which was not spooky in the least).

“She’s hot,” said Rocky. “Maybe I should do her.”

“Why don’t you, then?”

“Nah… she’d just shoot me down. I should try a girl who’s more in my league.”

“Hey,” said Dave, “you should talk to the girl you like the most. Girls can tell if you’re not really into them.”

Rocky thought about that. He looked all around the room, trying to figure out which girl was the most bangable.

Then he saw her. She was wearing a totally sexy Elsa costume. Rocky felt “it” move. He knew he had to act.

“That girl,” he pointed.

“Who?”

“The Elsa.”

“Where?”

“She’s there. Right there.”

“There’s nobody there.”

“She’s right there! I’m gonna go talk to her.”

Dave just shook his head.

Rocky really couldn’t understand why Dave was acting so strangely, but he wasn’t in the mood to puzzle it out right now. He walked right up to the girl and introduced himself.

“Hi,” he said, “I’m Rocky. What’s your name?”

She looked at him but said nothing.

“I’m Rocky,” he repeated. “Nice to meet you.”

“Are… are you talking to me?” she asked, almost silently.

“Yeah,” he said. “Why are you so shy? Your costume is great. I mean… really amazing.”

“Th… thank you,” she said. “You’re the only one who’s talked to me.”

“Really?” he said. “I would have thought everyone would want to talk to you. What’s your name?”

“I’m Elizabeth,” she said. “I’ve been here for so long. I’ve been waiting for so long. For someone.”

“Who are you waiting for?”

“I… I’m a virgin. I’m still a virgin. I’ve been here for so long, just waiting for someone. And here you are. Wi… will you… will you?”

Rocky couldn’t believe what he was hearing. The most gorgeous girl he had ever seen was asking him to do it with her. He knew this might be his only chance.

He reached for her boob.

He fell. There was nothing there. Had she moved? Rocky didn’t see what had happened.

Above him he heard a soft sobbing. Elizabeth was wiping tears from her eyes.

“So long. I’ve waited for so long. And we can’t. We just can’t.”

“Come on, Elizabeth,” Rocky said. “I really want to. With you. I mean, I want to do it.”

“There is… I mean, there is a way. But… but you wouldn’t. You wouldn’t.”

“I would,” he said. “I’ve been waiting too. Waiting for you.”

She dried her last tears, and a firm resolve took hold of her elegant features.

“Very well,” she said. “Follow me.”

And they left. They walked out the door, past the garden, along a stony path. Down the street. Across the bridge.

And in the middle of the road, they stopped.

“Close your eyes,” she said.

Rocky closed his eyes. He waited. He was breathing so fast. His heart was pounding so fast. It was really going to happen.

But the seconds turned into minutes. He realized he couldn’t hear her breathing. Had she left?

Before Rocky could form the impulse to open his eyes, she spoke.

“Wait.”

Rocky thought he heard something else. Something approaching them.

“I hear something,” he said. “We should — ”

“Listen to me,” she said. “Just listen to me. There’s nothing coming. It’s just us.”

“Just us,” he murmured.

“Just listen to me,” she said. “Listen to my voice. Think about me. Think about what we’re going to do. I’ve waited for you. Waited for so long. And you’ve waited for me. You’ve waited. Thank you.”

The driver was intoxicated. He was going too fast and with too little control. By the time he noticed Spider Man it was already too late to change course.