I’m fine

I am going to do what this site keeps asking whether or not I think it is a good idea. I am going to share a story. This is not a story of self discovery though, not a revelation and as far as I know does not have a permanent solution as of yet.

So I sit here surrounded by friends. There is laughter in the air and we all share a hobby that we enjoy: Magic The Gathering. Playful banter colorfully lights the table as we play our spells and watch play commence. Although this light atmosphere has a good effect I can not help but feel alone.

In the next room over are two of my other friends. Embraced and enjoying each other in an intimate way, but not to intimate as they have religious virtues keeping them at bay, kissing and loving in a new embrace. Or that is what I imagine when we were evicted from the room and asked to keep away for awhile. My imagination is a funny thing as it makes every detail so vibrant and real.

Now although I would love to not think about it and I know for a fact that this is merely a mental representation of what COULD be happening I can not help but feel alone. Maybe its the realization that I am alone. I am without a companion of the romantic nature despite my romantic feel to the world. Like a need not being met I do not have a person to confide in. No one to cuddle in the cold night or call when I am sad.

So in a way I guess I am alone. I am Emotionally alone. Although I do not believe it is the only thing at play. I have a lot of depressive tendency because of my genetic background. It runs in my family and is in my blood. This causes some pictures to become distorted, colors of people radiant in vibrant shades that might or might not be accurate. I never know.

So I am lonely, this is a simple truth. Through this tho I have had time to learn a lot about myself. Learn who I am as a person, grow and explore the world around me and become the best of who I can be. Or at least that is the thought. Usually with my… issue… I end up with a hit or miss situation. If I catch it early I can usually funnel all of that energy into a project of some sort. Normally it is a novel or an article, I guess this time it is a share on this site, but if I do not catch it I end up curling up in a ball and reliving painful realities.

I shall share more details on that at a different time but for now lets focus on the positive. I am full of creative energy and potential in this state and release it into the world at every point I can. Yet I resent this. This sadness, this urge to create and expand, I resent it because it spawns out of a deep distress. I spend hours considering whether or not it is a curse or a blessing. To this date I have no answer.

For now I shall simply ponder the world. Consider different paradigms and attempt a more complete understanding of the world. Who knows, maybe I will have an answer one day.

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