Random Thought of the Day

If I were reading someone else’s journal, what would I be most interested in? It doesn’t take long for me to realize that it’s the bad times I’m interested in. How someone spots danger, how they react, what they learn, how they grow and how they’re changed by that. For better or worse, adversity helps shape people.

If there are times that I should be writing, it’s when I’m feeling down. Those are the most interesting times, not when things are going well. It might be interesting to document learning a new skill, but over coming hardship is where character is really defined.

Right now, I’m quite depressed. It feels like I’m getting less and less of what I want in my life. Something has got to change. I’m feeling pretty worn out too. For a long time, I’ve known that something was going to need to change and that everything in my life was going to collapse when it happened. I’ve been putting it off, but it can’t be ignored forever. I won’t pretend to know what addicts go through, but I’ve been dealing with things constantly falling apart and life being miserable, repeated disappointing loved ones and a tremendous amount of self neglect. It’s hard to keep going, but I don’t know how to stop. I’ve been told that I have that in common with them. In any case, there’ll be little left of what was once me when this is all over.

I don’t know what I’m like deep down inside and being left with only the core of who I am terrifies me.