Tuesday, 2nd January 2024.

🎧Happy Robot by Vexento🎧

Just like yesterday, I woke up feeling ‘Meh’. Blasting music, fireworks, everything you can think of that signifies the celebration of a New Year happened (minus snowing, since that doesn’t happen in Nigeria); yesterday still felt mundane. Almost gloomy.

I spent most of the afternoon — whilst reading The Last Letter by Rebecca Yarros — trying to decide if it was time to start working on another writing piece, or just begin to prepare my mind about the hell that was waiting for me as soon as I resumed schooling. I settled for the book, and even when I had a terrible experience with the last romance-themed book I read (save the title and author’s name), I didn’t regret giving this one a chance. It intrigued me, so I went on.

The sun had begun to deliver its judgment on the dusty crust after noon when knocks came in; Christmas Jollof served on plates. I tried not to be robotic, but unlike last year and the previous ones before — where I would be filled with joy, anxiety and the kinds of beef and chicken our friendly neighbors would bring to us — I muttered stoic ‘Thank you’s’ and returned to the solace of reading a novel.

It didn’t take too long for my sister to notice the atmosphere, and like she always wins every argument, forced me into taking pictures with her. I knew better not to refuse; not when she was all bubbly and smiling. We recreated a picture we took during my last visit home, and somehow, it’s become my new favorite thing to look at.

I don’t have a heart deprived of happiness, no. I’ve just learned to chop down my expectations for every passing year. The excitement, the gratitude, the ‘New X, New Y’s’, resolutions, the bucket lists … they seem to have vanished. And now, all I have left is hope. The hope that I will genuinely smile again. And maybe impossible, but still, hope that Nigeria can maybe become a better place for Nigerians to continue surviving in.