An interview with that Taylor Swift ham sandwich woman

Look how she tags Taylor Swift there. Classy.

So. When I saw the above tweet, in which an evangelical Christian by the name of Jennifer Mayers compared Taylor Swift’s vagina to a floppy ham sandwich, I knew I needed to speak to her. What follows is a conversation between the two of us. An interview, you could call it.

You seem intensely religious. Could you please describe your faith?

I am a devout Christian. That means that I live my life strictly by the Word of God as it was written in the Holy Bible. I believe that as a society we have strayed so far from what God himself wanted us to be and it is very disheartening to me. Also, I attend a Methodist denomination church here in Baton Rouge every Sunday and I participate in the adult Bible Study classes that we have on Monday evenings. In addition I volunteer for our canned good donation centre and I also donate some of my older designer clothes.

Did anything in particular in the news about Taylor Swift inspire you to make the statement?

Yes, that tweet was originally posted around the day that her latest relationship was announced, and I was angered by how quickly she seems to move between sexual partners. My daughters are exposed to the media and view her as a role model. Seeing a young woman so free with her promiscuity is not what I, as a parent, would like my children to be exposed to.

What is it about Taylor Swift’s behaviour that makes you believe she has such a misshapen vagina?

I think people who see the photograph are taking it more literal than it was meant to be. I do not know Taylor personally and most definitely have not seen her vagina.

Ohhhh, OK.

It was merely a visual aid to represent her promiscuity.

Oh thank God.

However, I would feel fairly confident that after so much use that she is bound to have some sort of medical issues. If not already, certainly soon. She is too young for this behavior and it saddens me to ponder it.

Do you reckon Tom Hiddleston’s making the ham sandwich situation worse, so to speak?

I do not even know who Mr. Hiddleston is, beyond what I have seen in the media. To me is is nothing more than another male conquest for her to add to her shameful tally of men. He should know better than to get involved with such a known promiscuous girl. I only hope they are using the proper precautions if they are engaging in the sin of pre-marital relations.

What happened to the two ham sandwiches after the photo was taken?

I assume they were disposed of or eaten. It was merely a visual aid that I used.

What kind of ham was used in the sandwiches? I hope it didn’t go to waste.

I honestly have no idea. It was only a visual aid.

You say that Taylor Swift’s vagina has received a lot of use; what is your evidence for this?

Well darling it doesn’t take a psychic to put two and two together. Without multiple sexual partners and conquests she wouldn’t have much of a career would she? I am not her gynecologist.

Oh, OK.

I have no idea of the state of her body. I only assume it’s ragged and in need of a breather so to speak. Tom Hiddleston. Calvin Harris. Jake Gyllenhaal. John Mayer. The Kennedy kid. The Schwarzenegger kid. Taylor Lautner. Joe Jonas. Scott Borchetta. Not counting her local conquests as a teen I’m sure as well.

What sort of medical issues do you think she would have, bearing in mind she probably has similar amounts of sex to the majority of the population?

I doubt she has similar amounts, being that it’s with vast amounts of people. She is at higher risk of STD infections, bleeding, tearing, pregnancy and urinary tract infections just for starters. The bottom line is she should be having no sex at all being that she is an unmarried woman.

Have you prayed for her?

Absolutely. More so since this has gone viral.

How would you describe the ideal relationship between a man and a woman?

The ideal relationship should occur in the bounds of Holy Matrimony. Once a couple is married, the woman should assume the role of a submissive and supportive spouse. I fully believe the woman’s role in a marriage is to serve and obey her husband. Refer to Ephesians 5: 22–33.

Thanks.

Seeing young girls and adults strive for and boast of “independence” and “equality” makes me shudder. No woman should ever feel superior to a man. Or hold such a position whether it be a professional one, or in the household. For that reason alone, I am horrified that someone as evil as Hillary Clinton dares to think that as a woman, she has any right to an authoritative position as the Presidency. The rapture is surely near.

Oh, surely, yes. Do you find Donald Trump physically attractive?

I am not physically attracted to him as I am a happily married woman. However, I appreciate a dominant man who is unafraid to speak his mind. That is how it should be. A man in control. He is an ultimate modern leader.

How often do you think a couple ought to have sex?

As often as the man requests it, and if the female is in pristine cleanliness and health. Compromises must be made in certain situations, but if the husband requests it, the wife has a duty to obey.

You don’t think that’s a bit of a problematic statement?

Of course not. When you take the vow of Holy Matrimony you are saying before God that you will obey. It is her duty as a caring wife. Sex is a gift from God. Do not deny a man his right.

Do you sincerely believe that people’s sexual practices have such a profound effect on the shape of their genitalia?

I have been simply overwhelmed with tweets and comments telling me that I am not educated in this matter and that the amount of sex you have has no impact on the shape of your genitalia. Perhaps they are right.

Don’t be so modest.

My goal was to use a visual aid. From my own personal experience I have never been with anyone other than my husband so I cannot speak to that. I would imagine abusing your body constantly must certainly have consequences, internally and out.

Sex is fun. Why would Swift be ‘abusing’ her body by having it?

Because she is not married and therefore it is a sin. Regardless of her stable of partners.

Whom would you prefer your daughters to see as a role model?

Celine. Reba McEntire. Patty Loveless. Sandi Patty. Amy Grant.

Would you be happy if Taylor Swift got married, or do you think she is beyond redemption?

I would be happy for her, yes, however I believe that she needs to go on a long spiritual retreat to atone for her sins. And she would need some intense Christian counselling with her future spouse before they entered into marriage. And obviously a thorough health inspection. Forgiveness from Christ will come only if she truly asks and is willing to accept it.

What would he (Christ) have made of Taylor Swift?

I feel as though he would have seen her as a young woman with a lot of potential and tried to teach her that she needs only her inner strength and talent to satisfy any voids that she may have. Not the pre-marital lust of random men. I am a fan of Taylor’s music. Just not her depraved sexual appetite.

What is your favourite of Taylor Swift’s songs and why?

I enjoyed a song from her Red album called ‘Starlight’. It is a tribute of sorts to Ethel Kennedy. The family is a disaster but she was a devoted wife and it’s a nice upbeat number.

Would you like to communicate a particular message to the readers of this piece?

I would implore everyone to accept Christ and follow his teachings. I live my life to the best of my ability in His name. He allows me to be so confident in my speech because I know that He chose me to be a Messenger for him. Any negativity or hatred that is directed at me has only made me understand the pain of Christ even more and what he endured as he was crucified. In many ways I have been crucified myself. Christ and I are bonded in that.

Of course, yes, I can see that.

I am not an evil person. I am not full of hate. I speak the truth of God and nothing more.

I think that’s the impression everyone is going to get.

www.mrralphjones.co.uk