Scapegoat
A stocky, assured man has come from the ICPC to address us. He looks like Brain and his spidery limbed aide is just like Pinky. Black Pinky. Pinky stands behind Brain and they’re both gawking into the hall with their onion eyes.
The moderator finally rests his hopeless yarn and invites Brain — Honorable Colonel Chief Patrick Iweduno, OND, HND, BSc, MSc, PHd, M.Phil, MNSCE, HIV to the stage. There is applause from the bolos in front. Brain goes up the podium in three solid strides. Pinky scurries after him with a sheaf of papers. Brain picks the mic and coughs into it. The frequency jams and the speakers start to whine but he doesn’t really care.
‘Thank you Mr. Moderator. Corpers Wee!’
‘Waa!’
‘Corpers Wee! Wee! Wee!’
‘Waa! Waa! Waa!’
‘I say Wee o’
‘We say Waa o’
‘Wee Wee Lee Lee’
‘Waa Waa Laa Laa’
‘Who say crase man no dey?’
‘Crase man dey’
‘Yes, you are all alive. I’m sure you all know me. But for the benefit of those that don’t, I am Honorable Captain Colonel Major Chief Private Patrick Iweduno, OND, HND, BSc, MSc, PHd, M.Phil, MNSCE, HIV. Yes, thank you. I’m widely read and I’ve read widely. I am from the Independent Corrupt Practices and Criminals…’ Pinky leans into his ear to whisper.
‘…Sorry, Crimes Commission, ICPCC…’ Pinky leans in again
‘…Sorry, ICPC.’
He breathes into the mic. Nothing else is heard. Everyone in the hall is stunned at the unfolding gimmick. He coughs into the mic again, dredging up mucus this time. He spits it into a sheet of paper and hands it to Pinky.
‘Corpers Wee’
It’s quiet for an everlasting five seconds, then some bolos voice the most off key ‘waa.’ I nearly die when Ganiyu bursts into a wild guffaw and then everyone follows. The hall dives into madness and soldiers start to make their way into hall. One of them points his finger dead at Ganiyu. I see Ganiyu trying to cut through the crowd but before I know what else, he’s massed in by soldiers. They catch him and lock him by the collar and all the madness in the hall begins to relax.
Brain leaves the podium with the mic and starts bounding towards Ganiyu, the bolos and corpers parting a way for him. He reaches into his pocket and produces a red cloth and loads Ganiyu’s ear with a diabolical slap. All the wind in the hall starts sparking crazily. My guy’s eyes start to sink into his head. Brain breathes into the mic, then coughs dryly.
‘You’re my scapegoat today, do you understand?’ says Brain.
‘Meeh,’ bleats Ganiyu.
