Forgive me, Forget me, not

Dear Beloved,
After a rather hibernating winter, Dilli is all set to uncloak its dreamy avatar. The evanescing nip has been diffused in the subtle fragrances of the Amaltas and Raat ki Rani and, the mango-coloured sunshine early in the day has made the grey wintry somberness a bygone memory.
In time for spring, the city is immersed in the vivid hues of periwinkle, lime and marigold, like a beautiful Indian bride, who has veiled the azure sky. And us beings, recuperating from all the last season lethargy, await a spring of new hopes and that perfect amount of zeal to keep the momentum going — like a cold tall glass of iced Shikanjwi blended to perfection, balancing the sweetness with the savoury acts of life.
The usual humdrums of life have taken a backseat, Nani maa is in town. Bringing along her home culture to our doorstep, her arrival has brought in the feeling of festivities in our hearts (and tummies). Being constantly fed all the festive eateries, with rather no valid reason to celebrate, my darling Grandmaa personifies love in terms of calories.
You reap what you sow, taking this idiom and her literature rather too seriously, Nani has also taken full responsibility of our love calories. At war with the inertia of unwanted “fluff” in my body, my health regime seems to be competing with that of the sun. You will not believe it, under her strict vigilance, I perform fifty-one sets of surya namaskars along with other yoga aasanas (whose names sound like fictional characters of the medieval era, if you ask me).

While I do crib sometimes (okay, a lot!), there is something serene about that time of the morning. Aloof from the humdrums of usual life, this tranquility, so pious, connects you to your inner self, aligning your energies with that of the universe. The mellow chirping of the birds along the typical fragrances of the morning hour, the skies look like an easel of an artist-in-anguish, eager to burst its emotions on to the canvas.
Five minutes of meditative silence after some pranayam is my favourite part of the regime, allowing me to (over)think about umpteen subjects (including a realisation that silence is not my strongest virtue). And just like that, a few purgatory sessions ago, my fingers traced a rather yesteryear scar around my calf. When I closed my eyes, my memory took me seventeen years back to this day. I could hear mum’s voice reverberate in my head, ‘darling, learn to forgive and forget.’ Reminiscing, I obediently listened to her and decided to forgive my cousin’s folly. Pondering over the notion of forgiveness, I questioned this act then, and I question it now and, with that those five-minutes of silence elapsed rather quickly that day.

Was it the universe’s way to answer my question that I had put out there? During one of our post-workout chai sessions, Nani began reciting the sacred scriptures of the Holy Bhagvad Gita, for such valuable lessons, she believed, have been diluted to suit the contemporary times, often missing the important intricacies for us millennials to cope up with modern day realities. Wisely promulgating the acts of forgiveness, Grandmaa recites the teachings of Lord Krishna; “pray for those who have hurt you” I hesitated, as she continued, with a gentle touch, she looked deep into my eyes and said –
Forgiveness comes from within, and is an act of nurturance, one, often mistaken to be otherwise. Let the anger-within dissipate into nothingness, for that is the biggest atonement for the wrongdoer. I was quiet, as she poetically concluded quoting the Dhammapada, be the sandal tree which perfumes the axe that wounds it.
Overwhelmed, I began my attempts to decode her words, recalling some painful memories of my own. And then, recalled the lives of many broken souls who have or still are battling betrayals. In time, some have managed to restore themselves (in funny way sometimes), while others have taken a break from, well, love. And then, there are those, who remain deeply impacted, their scars continue to haunt them; emotionally unavailable, commitment-averse, they’ve build walls, tall enough to prevent people from trespassing. How do we help ourselves then, and what about those who still haven’t managed an exit route from the emotional turmoil? That day, during my lesson, in the Holy Gita I found the key to bring me from the back of the beyond.

Here’s a thing about healing — not only it is a relative concept but also a tricky business, we all know that but what about the one incident that was once responsible for the most agonizing heartbreak? Even today, when you meet them, you still recall those bittersweet flashbacks. A part of you is glad about what happened but there is this unnerving pain in your heart, the good part is that always a little lesser than before. Alas, that notorious smile or maybe that perfume your former partner still wore, gosh, it still makes you so weak in your knees. That nostalgia still makes you blush and a wee bit uneasy. You had probably locked this memory up and thrown it in the ocean of your mind yet some of those feelings have managed to stay afloat.
Funnily enough, we tend to forget that we are only human. There is nothing really wrong in looking back some of those good memories, and the bad ones too, for they did serve us as great life lessons. But is that a good enough justification? What about the times when we’ve felt like a soldier who just lost a battle, which caused us to lose everything that was once dear. How did reinstate our honour?
The time when you’ve felt heartbroken, maybe you weren’t willing to accept that the harsh reality. You continued to live in the past, denying yourself the chances that the universe had to offer. But, you know what the most difficult part of being human, is the image of near perfect realities and a make belief world; a constant yearning that incites us to trivialize our individuality, or worse, our very own existence. A damsel in distress, a one-sided love story, an irrevocable tragedy, a sullen ballad, an anticlimax — you personify the void, which has consumed you in absolution.
Then one day, the universe offers you solace from your sufferings, perhaps an epiphany, a dawn awakens your spirits. You decide to really understand the pain that has been caused by your loss. Was it your own doing or the others, now, it doesn’t matter. The concept of acknowledgment that had gone askew, has managed to finally show you a new side of life. Your current state has been compromised by a stronger force — your will power that has brought you to the doorstep of acceptance. A realisation hits you, drained of all emotions but pain, you muster the courage to say it out loud –
You are still in love with a person who is not in love with you anymore and that is your problem. The pain has caused you scars, some too deep, but you understand that you can’t fight your emotions but only you can manage them and only you can help yourself move ahead.
Your scars, your wounds — they need to heal from all the sufferings. And this acceptance is the first step towards convalescence. Sometimes, hurriedly, you are blinded by your determination to move on, and tend to skip the first step towards healing. But here is the thing; forgiveness comes quickly when you have mastered the art of practicing acknowledgement. When your spirits starts realigning with the cosmos and you regain your aura, you will notice your perception changing colours. Time being the best remedy, your wounds stimulate the healing, and your scars, they start to fade. There may be apart of you that refuse to let go, but you know, the things that have managed to touch your soul, they become an intrinsic part of you. And, that is quintessence of acceptance.
Sometimes anger dilutes judgment. We sometimes learn, the hard way — accept, and, forget rather than forgive. We reward ourselves the satisfaction of denying the wrongdoers their fair-share of atonement. Well, let me tell you another side of this story. The act of forgiveness, at first, may seem to be more for the other person’s psychological satisfaction, but it grants us the highest position of authority — the power to concede forgiveness, making it imperative for us to pay homage than to derive sadistic pleasures out of it.
You can argue that the penitence of the wrongdoer, as a result of their actions isn’t really your problem but what about the feeling of liberation from repressed emotions, the tranquility that comes from this act? So, if you believe forgiveness is selfless, think again, it is really a self-loving act – one that allows you to heal from all the hurt. However, this does not imply that healing is the absence of the damage that has been inflicted upon us but simply indicates that those imprints left that were left on your heart do not hold the strings to your life anymore.
One must learn to forgive and seek forgiveness, explains the Holy Gita. And, then suddenly with this realisation, I found myself deeply drawn towards the qualities of a sandalwood tree, which Grandmaa elegiacally hinted.

When the dawn dashes the horizon, the light will exterminate every inch of darkness. That day, you will wear your scars as a badge of honour, as a reminder of your valiance in battles, releasing you of all physical and psychological stagnation.
Then, one day, when you will encounter your past again, you will do so with no pain, not the slightest. You will remember to put on a very big smile, a real one, your aura will have that flair which you had once lost. You will acknowledge their presence; your past with them and decide to let it be. You will embrace your bright future, without letting you past influences cloud your present. Believing in the spirit of love, you will recall your thoughts, your promise -
Dear Universe, I forgive the person who has wronged me and I choose this as an act of my will. I release them and myself of all emotional suffering. I believe that these experiences were necessary, and seminal for bringing out my latent abilities that has been key to the anatomy I represent today. Triumphant, I am all set spur my future. I embrace the positive vibrations that the universe offers me, and allow it assimilate into every inch of my existence, which will help me fulfill my destiny.
Love, do not fret,
Actions, with no regret.
Accept, and let go
And then, witness the magic flow
Oi, Zany
August 26, 2018
