LD2L 1-ish year followup

So yeah...

Hi. I quit Dota 2 like, week 2 of LD2L Season 8. I felt bad, but between COVID, the Shadow Chie rebrand, and the new job (which didn’t work out, the transition to WFH made training near impossible and a huge chunk of my training class up and quit because we were so underprepared)... I missed most practices, league games... I had personal health issues... It just all around sucked.

But the key thing here is the whole Shadow Chie part. Hollywood had mentioned my personality shifted. And at the time I didn’t realize what was going on, but looking back on that period (and also a long pattern of other behaviors I’ve exhibited since 5th Grade or so), I realize that it was extreme jealousy or envy. Specifically, of Irissia, and her personal journey at that point (which is not mine to share but if you played with/against us you probably know).

WTF does Irissia have to do with it? Did she hurt me?

Aside from being present at the time, nothing —at least not in a way that is in any capacity her fault. We’re actually on great terms as of the last time we spoke, and I’m thankful for her lighting my fuse so to speak! Honestly, I haven’t had a chance to thank her in private because it’s something I literally only just realized in the short time before I word vomited.

Basically, I got very frustrated with something she could do that I could not, but couldn’t put a finger on what it was at the time. But it reawakened a voice in my head that had been going off and on for a very long time. I’d like to think I was mature enough that I didn’t take it out on anyone (especially her) and was just kinda... More serious? Bummed? Idk. If I ever did, not only am I sorry it happened, but I’m sorry it’s taken this long to acknowledge it. But, I guess the meat and potatoes of the story is, I know now, looking back, that it was gender dysphoria.

So what did I do?

I spent my time in lockdown doing a lot of soul searching and playing a LOT of beatmania IIDX (which I’ve been playing in some capacity since 2003). I met new people, reconnected with old, and most importantly, engaged with people in that community who knew what I was going through.

With the support of friends in that community, I came out as masc non-binary around August 2020, mainly as a foundation and viable excuse to dig into gender nonconformity and root out the cause of the dysphoria. Started messing with painting my nails, occasional makeup, things like that. It was better, but the voice was still there, yelling things I couldn’t understand, just like it had for years. I was running out of options. My anxiety was getting exponentially worse because I was so stressed about it. My doctor at the time actually fired me as a patient because I wasn’t improving with medication, and told me to go to a psychiatrist (which honestly, I needed to do anyway, but now I needed to do it with only 2 months of barely-working-for-me meds to buy time, which is a big ask in America).

I’m not sure if I ever talked in the team Discord or LD2L or with anyone about how much I adore the game Celeste, or the works of Maddy Thorson in general, but that game resonated with me in a way that I didn’t have words for. Until November 6, 2020, when they published this article: https://maddythorson.medium.com/is-madeline-canonically-trans-4277ece02e40

Suddenly, the voice became clear. My jealousy towards Irissia made sense. My adoration of Celeste finally had the words I was missing. On that day, reading that article, I broke down in relieved tears and felt a lot of uncertainty and anxiety start to wash away, because I realized what it was, who I was.

I wasn't a man. I wasn't masc non-binary. I was a girl stuck in the wrong body.

I was trans. I AM trans.

Things are so much better on that front now. Gender dysphoria fucking sucks but it’s much more manageable when you know it’s there. I still get bummed about things I can’t do, but at least I know exactly what they are which makes reconciling it easier.

I’ve been on hormones for 5 months, along with all the desired changes. I’m working on training my voice to the way I hear myself in my head. I have a dream job full of coworkers who have no problem seeing me as a woman despite my making little effort to present when working (for practical reasons - I’m an arcade tech nowadays, crawling around behind cabinets in cute clothes is not ideal).

And most importantly, that voice in my head stopped yelling. It just kinda contentedly nods and affirms it was right when I do stereotypical transgirl bullshit like skirt go spinny and tall socks and wear the right undies. I defeated Shadow Chie — or at least, we aren’t at odds anymore. The Persona 4 metaphor breaks down when you don’t physically fight the manifestation of your deepest rejected truths.

Okay, so what’s the plan?

Get cuter, stop breaking nails playing IIDX, and trick someone into marrying me so I can wear a pretty dress once then never wear it again. Fairly normal girl shit combined with my existing interests. I’m still me —actually, more me than I was when I was in LD2L.

I’m still a work in progress, but aren’t we all?

I miss Dota. But I don’t miss it enough to come back. My days of direct PVP are behind me, I think. I miss the people I met in the league though. Hollywood and I still talk a bit — he’s still not interested in dating me even tho it’s a straight relationship now, which is disappointing but understandable. I pop into Inno’s stream occasionally too. I miss everyone else tho, so maybe I’ll jump back into the server for social interaction at some point.

But, my Furion is retired, as is Brood, Venge, Magoo, and everyone else I played. Fond memories, but that chapter is closed.

I highly doubt anyone from LD2L will read this, and if they do, I doubt they'll care, but I'm always down to catch up on Discord (Okapi#0573) and play some stuff that isn't PVP-centric.

I’m not sure even why I’m writing this? I guess closure from my saying you hadn’t seen the last of me, but actually in Dota yes you have? That’s probably it.

Miss you all.

-Chie