My Presidential Campaign Manifesto

Ladies and gentle gents, able Nigerian youth and lazy Nigerian youth, sucklings and infants.

It’s not my intention to preach to the choir today but permit me to take this stand and on this lectern, address my plan as the prospective president of Nigeria come 2020 and we, the citizenry.

Testing mic. 1, 2, 3. Here’s your enrollee.

Away with vague promises a la air-filled balloons which deflate when exposed to the elements of time; promises that will come to pass one afternoon in your next reincarnation.

Permit me to say that if you’re patient, stand in line and cast your vote for me in the ballot box come election day, I’ve got just bread — 4 slices — to share with you.

I can see a hand up, please pass her the mic.

“What about the national cake? Why bread, why not the national cake?” You ask.

Forget the national cake or any cake at all, it’s long been eaten and the mouths that ate it have dabbed their upper and lower lips eons ago with our flag.

Chopped and cleaned mouth!

I’m not here to promise you gold and green forests.

You, the rest 190+ million of us will have access to this bread and won’t have to wait until you get to Aso Rock or other government houses to have a/”your” taste of the national cake.

Sounds reaching, yeah?

Yeah but I’ve sat at the bakery with our patissiers and they told.

The dough for making and re-making these slices are as natural as it gets. Renewable! We don’t need loans to get them.

But first, we need to sit at the table, reason together, break this bread and apportion it the right way:

4 slices to 4 regions.

Northern, Western, Eastern, Southern.

“You’ve been talking about bread for long now. What’s this bread?” You ask; young man with the Mohawk hairstyle and dimple-smiley face.

I find your question really interesting because no one, if memory serves me right, has asked “what exactly is this national cake we’ve been on about since 1960?” yet we all want slices or the chunk of it.

This bread is electricity because I prefer to give us “something light”, to ease our pains and sufferings from 5 decades ago and beyond.

The solar slice goes to Northern Nigeria. Because, why not — where do you get the hottest landscape in Nigeria?

You can get a tan.

The wtE slice goes to Western Nigeria; a part of that slice to Onitsha and Aba too. Because, why not — where do you get the populous landscape in Nigeria?

For where people are gathered in quantum, waste inhabits.

The wind slice goes to Eastern Nigeria. Because, why not — where do you get crazy winds in Nigeria?

Go get fresh air!

The hydro slice goes to Southern Nigeria. Because, why not — where do you get the marines?

Swim like a fish!

Now, if I must mention, after we’ve had enough of our slices, we’ve got to share with other regions if it has been distributed across our region and is enough.

We can sell it if we want to; of course, we should because that’s how we get money to buy more flour and other ingredients to make bread in our bakery.

I give you my word, we will set up a bakery in each region: 
- A solar bakery in the north.
- A WtE bakery in the west.
- A wind farm bakery in the east.
- A hydro bakery in the south.

Of course, we will still collectively own our Kainji Dam bakery, for I must be honest with you about these things. This collective owned bakery will serve as backup to the bakeries in the 4 regions.

We’ve got to do this: bake this bread and break it together because that’s how we move forward as a nation.

This is my plan for & with you for the next 4 years because I’ve seen enough of darkness to go mentally dark for a great portion of my life! Haven’t you?

But if I, you & we decide to abandon this bread and let mould have a taste of it because of these grains of rice and currency notes randomly shared for today and tomorrow, rest assured that when tomorrow dies and the day after tomorrow comes, sure we’ll be eating green but that will be algae.

And frankly, I don’t know how edible, nutritious and hygienic green algae is!

Thanks for coming to my #TownHallMeeting. May I have your questions now?