Boulder

How do you let someone have the room to breathe it out? To let go of that weight that’s been building their whole life? To help them exist without a boulder on their chest?

I see it there. I always have. I have always know. Known that the boulder was the distance between us when I tried to give you a hug. Known that your unwillingness to acknowledge the cracks in your heart meant I could never get in.

I love you. And your secret was never yours. I have always known that everything was not ok. That you were not so put together.

I wonder if you too cry behind closed doors. Put on a smile and bury yourself under so many obligations.

How did you do it all? The truth is that without “it all”, it seems you think you would not exist.

But I know. I knew all along. Embraced in rocky hugs.

I hope that someday I figure out a better end to our dance. To talk about the truth. Maybe shed a tear for the people we have pretended to be. I hope that you are proud of me for the parts that shine through my cracks. I was never as good at holding it all together as you. I hope you know I tried. I’m glad I stopped trying so hard. I’m glad I started to explore the root of my boulder.

I love you. I hope you get through this time, live your life, being ok with being just a little broken, like the rest of us.

I know it’s not my job to fix this, but the want to make it all better I learned from you.

I’m afraid to rip the bandaid off. I’m afraid it will push you further away. I’m afraid that maybe, you really are as put together as you say, and the distance is all in my mind.

For now, I’ll keep standing here. Keep talking. Maybe someday I will ask you how you really are.