Overcoming Fear at 30
what I learned the night before my 31st birthday
A few months before turning 30 my life went into a weird spiral. My wife at the time ended our relationship and I was starting a new job at a start-up where I would be spearheading a social media company, all while finishing up some online classes. Anyone that has gone through a difficult break up knows that there will be some scars and pain. I was left with two options.
1: Bitch about my situation
2: Do me and win.
Up to this point I have always been the type of person that felt the need to please people. To do what was expected of me. To not ask questions and just do. I grew up always wanting to be the cool kid and wanted to be accepted. I think that comes from growing up in “the bubble”. Anyway, my recent situation left me thinking/feeling that I wasn’t good enough, that I failed, that I was a fucking loser, blah blah blah..
I told myself one thing. I’M NOT A FUCKING LOSER and I will prove it. I knew that the only way to overcome the mountain of self confidence was to go to work.
My journey is FAR FAR from over, but it starts with the book “The Compound Effect” by DARREN HARDY, followed by multiple reads of “The Alchemist”.
The key thing I have learned so far, AND in no way am I saying I’ve mastered this at all, but the key thing was application. A lot of this stems from my endless love for Gary Vaynerchuk and his work ethic. I started by doing a daily journal, working out more, eating better, and kept telling myself that I was the shit! and that I will win. I did little things like, make my bed everyday, open the window in the morning and smell the air, take ice cold showers, and only let myself be focused on what I felt made me better and happier.
I found myself doing things I always wanted to do but was afraid. AKA, talking to strangers, skydiving, traveling alone, QUITTING MY JOB, doing more music stuff, leaving my religion, and making conversation with my ex.
In my 30th year I learned that “I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT. I am in full control of my life. I am the one who makes the choice everyday of where I will focus my energy”.
and here’s a breakdown of fears and how I overcame.
Travel Alone: Went to Germany/Italy
College Dropout / Fear of no job: Focused on my best skill and worked on it everyday. (photography, design, and branding)
The key here is to develop a certain skillset that is worth something and brings value.
Leaving The Mormon Faith:
Leaving because I didn’t believe anymore was MUCH easier than telling my parents I was done with with the Mormon Faith. Luckily, my parents are incredibly supporting and loving, and though it was a difficult conversation spread out into what felt months, I’m closer to them now than ever before.
Doing more music:
I helped and traveled with my friends Christian and Aaron (X&G) at my own expense because I believe in them. I kept working on the little things that I know need to happen with the music brand to keep it going. i.e. radio shows, releases, social media, etc. I’m honestly more lucky to have a great friend to help me with this, and someone that believes in the vision as well.
Quit My Job: knowing I was good enough to make it on my own. despite what some people told me.
When you’re not happy at your current job, and you feel the environment has become toxic. Get out. That’s what I did. And I’ve never been happier for that choice.
Talking with my ex:
This by far was the most challenging one. I won’t go into any details, but I had so much hurt associated with my ex that I avoided her whole persona at all cost. I realized that the only way to really overcome this obstacle was to overlook everything, forgive, and focus on the good that came from that experience. Knowing that I have always wanted the best for that person, and knowing that we have become better individuals in our own journey. I really had the right mindset to move on. The night before I turned 31 I had the opportunity to face that fear. All I can say is that it was a beautiful experience.
Good always come from wanting the best for others. Hurt was gone, positive memories flowed in my mind, and the best of all, I knew that I had reached the peak of the mountain I had set out to climb. I learned how to communicate with the one person I thought I’d never be able to.
I HIGHLY suggest this advice to anyone trying to overcome emotional mountains. Focus on the good, do good, kick ass, and move on.
Know you’re in full control. When shit gets scary and difficult, analyze your focus. That’s what I do.