How Do People With Two+ Children Carry Any Thing Besides Their Two+ Children?

Riddle me this.

Jessica Delfino
Aug 25, 2017 · 3 min read
Even Hillary Duff has to schlep, albeit a hell of a lot more stylishly than I do.

Today, my son and I took the bus together for the first time. I put him into my carrier facing out, because he likes to see the world. I packed the lightest bag I could — my The New Yorker tote bag which makes me feel like the very cool and metropolitan mommy I’m absolutely not, plus it’s pretty durable and fits the minimum amount of things I need for mom-ming about. This very light bag was filled to the brim. In it was one small bag of baby supplies:

  • 3 diapers
  • lotion for baby’s butt and weiner (that’s a story for another time, please don’t kill me if one day you are 27 and reading this, baby boy)
  • SPF lotion
  • his little rasta slip-on shoes that he’s worn since he was born
  • a sweatshirt with a puppy on it
  • baby wet wipes (we’re getting him hooked on wet toilet paper early)
  • a small packet of Kleenex tissues

There was also a separate food items bag. It contained:

  • a banana for me
  • a baby spoon in a container so that it wouldn’t get dirty
  • baby crackers
  • a little baglet of baby food (peas, broccoli and pears, YUM!)
  • a small square Tupperware container of Baby Os snacks
  • a small square Tupperware container of prune puree (required)
  • a small square Tupperware container of mozzarella ball snacks
  • a paper towel

Also in the bag was:

  • my wallet (one of those checkbook-sized ones that zip)
  • my sunglasses and their case
  • my keys (I have a massive janitor keychain and there is also a canister of creep repellent on it)
  • the book I’m currently reading (Save The Cat, a scriptwriting book that I’ve literally had for 5 years and have never read)
  • my notebook and a pen
  • my cellphone
  • a cellphone charger
  • a toy jukebox for baby that plays acapella classical songs
  • miscellaneous receipts, bottle caps, hair elastics, pieces of cardboard, food wrappers, the business cards of strangers and random papers

I carried the baby in the carrier, plus I brought his umbrella stroller which let’s just get a few things straight, is butt-loads heavier than an umbrella and not anywhere near as easy to fold or store, and definitely doesn’t keep anyone dry. I also carried the tote bag full of stuff.

Now. The questions.

What if I had 2 kids? Would I have 2 umbrella strollers? Would I have a baby on my front and one on my back? Or are there double carriers like there are double strollers so I can carry two babies together in one, like, maybe one is sitting on the other’s lap? What about the tote bag? It’d have to be double sized, right? Or do I carry one on each arm? I already feel like a human pack mule. I have a motto I have been spitting since back when I was nimble and agile, and that was, “I hate schlepping”. Somehow, as I’ve gotten older, the schlepping has only increased.

Support this dumb blog. Buy the schlep t-shirt here.

How has the schlepping increased? Why? I mean, I know now that I have a baby, there are more things to be carried (see above), but it seems like I’m always a cartoon character of myself, hauling a gigantic sack of shit around like a basket-case Santa, with a dust cloud of bobby pins and springs and coins misting out around me. Is that what I’m becoming? Is that what I’ve become?

So, what do you think, should I have one more baby or stop while I’m not ahead?

Jessica Delfino is a comedian, musician, writer and new mom who writes about life with one baby, one husband and one cat. She is currently developing a TV show about motherhood and writes about #momlife at Mommyish.com, VH1.com, her blog Jessy Delfino’s Blog, on The Coo on Facebook and Twitter, and more.

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Jessica Delfino

Written by

I write about life with 1 husband, 1 kid, 1 cat, at times funny. www.Twitter.com/JessicaDelfino Bylines: The Atlantic, McSweeney’s, The Week, High Times.

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