My Baby Crawled For The First Time On The Day Of The Eclipse And Now I’m Afraid He Might Be A Possessed Wiccan Alien

A spooky baby tale!

Jessica Delfino
Aug 22, 2017 · 2 min read

Being a mom is fun. Being a mom is hard. It’s fun and hard. And when I am hanging out with other moms and babies and see other kids doing things mine isn’t doing — yet? — , I get filled with a junior high school level rage that rattles the cafeteria trays and ignites my inner Firestarter fury. Then it quickly passes. Every kid is bigger than mine, can walk, talk, juggle, change their own diaper and drive. But my kid is super smart. Unfortunately that’s not something you can always see during a play date and it is a weird response to, “Can W walk yet?”

But today, 2 days after his 1 year birthday and on the day of the eclipse, my baby finally crawled.

I should be thrilled, right? Well I am. But I’m also kind of like, wtf?

This is because it happened literally as the eclipse was eclipsing. We were in the park. I’d laid a blanket down in the grass with some toys. Normally he army crawls but as the moon began blocking out the sun, he got up on all fours and practically did a crawl version of TheCharleston.

Did the eclipse effect gravity somehow or give him the magic to do that? Did a Wiccan ancestor come out of the sun’s aura and possess him? I can’t say for sure.

I don’t really know what to do either. Do I bathe him in holy water? Gently whip the evil out with weeping willow branches? Take ayahuasca and try to have a talk with his spirit animal? Sacrifice a sandwich to the gods of my stomach? I dunno.

All I know is that next time I see Bev and Lil at the library, imma be all like, “Yeah I know! And it happened during the eclipse!” Then under my breath I’ll quietly mutter, “Top that.” Because I’m shallow, proud and as human as all get out.

Jessica Delfino is a comedian, musician, writer and new mom who writes about life with one baby, one husband and one cat. She is currently developing a TV show about motherhood and writes about #momlife at Mommyish.com, VH1.com, her blog Jessy Delfino’s Blog, on The Coo on Facebook and Twitter, and more.

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Jessica Delfino

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I write about life with 1 husband, 1 kid, 1 cat, at times funny. www.Twitter.com/JessicaDelfino Bylines: The Atlantic, McSweeney’s, The Week, High Times.

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