The lead up my discharge from the Mental Health Services has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs, especially the past week. My emotions have been at their peaks, my behaviours impulsive and reckless, my thoughts intrusive, obsessive and compulsive, my worries magnified and paranoid, even my psychosis has been prevalent for the first time since I got my medication changed six months ago, which got me believing my mental state was deteriorating and therefore I began catastrophising all the “what if?” crisis scenarios that could happen without professional support in place.
Basically, to put it bluntly, all rational wise mind thought has been discarded and I’ve had no filter in expressing my deluded thoughts and feelings. So if you’ve picked up on anything I’ve said or posted lately and worried, just know that I am doing just fine. Expressing myself and my emotions is what I do now because if I kept the madness inside, I would expire from this life.
Therapy has taught me it’s human to have a mental illness, it’s human to lose your way and be out of control, it’s even human to think about suicide every other day, so long as I keep talking about it because if I don’t, it would mean letting my disorders control my life, which is where I’ve been at most of my life with my personality disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, generalised anxiety disorder, eating disorder and substance dependence.
Now that I’ve completed dialectical behavioural therapy for my borderline personality disorder, I’ve learned skills in how to manage it. However, I’m far from well at the moment. Mania is exhausting me. I’m to be assessed at the end of the month for ADHD and/or mood disorder (which would explain so much).
PSA: A diagnosis doesn’t define me, but it can help me to understand my struggles and learn to overcome them.
My goal for the future is to find balance and strive to stay in wise mind, which is basically neutral on the black and white mood scale, which may seem boring to most people (it does to me) but it’s vital to maintain that momentum if I want to maintain any form of sanity. My other goal is to keep being open. It not only helps me but from what I’ve learned over the course of the past three years is sharing my experience and insight has helped others too, which is why I started @BPDBanter on Twitter. I know I’m super manic right now but I would love to one day write a book if I ever get to the other side. Time will tell.
It’s not even been 24 hours since I finished therapy for good and I’ve already taken to the internet to overshare about all my problems. LOL. So fucking what? #Human