Hope, Help, Faith
Hopelessness is a horrible feeling to have.
It creeps in, gradually, “How can I?, how will I? If I do this and there’s no result, what will I do?” It plagues me, it plagues me all the time.
I like to be in control, at every point, it’s why Christianity sometimes is very difficult for me because someone is saying “It’s going to be fine, Let go and let God” but I’m saying how, why, what do I need to do? While God is saying, “Leave everything to me” I find that quite difficult to do.
Helplessness kills me, not knowing if it ever gets better, not knowing if in 10 years, you’ll look back and smile because for every story that says “I used to be so sad, I used to be mentally ill.” there may be 50 untold ones because the owners of the stories couldn’t hold on to the ledge much longer.
I need to know that it gets better, I need to know that I’ll stop crying at some point, I need to know, something, anything to hold on to.
No one knows tomorrow, I like to believe if you plan today proper, you know what happens tomorrow but that isn’t so, no matter how much you plan, no matter what you do, you can’t predict the next minute and that’s what makes me sad.
In the past couple of months, I’ve heard of about 5 people who have offed themselves and every time I hear the news, I’m jealous of them. A little bit of sadness nudges me, I nudge it right back and we sit in silence, the silence that only old friends have mastered.
I think of how long they thought it out, how much they weighed their options, what they were thinking.
“How will my parents feel? What if I don’t die? Is there an end to this madness? Does it get better? Will I ever be free, be better? Where am I going to from here? I hope I finally find peace. I hope I find rest. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I don’t want to live like this anymore” — This is what I feel might have gone through their heads, this is how I imagined their last thoughts went.
Even in death, the uncertainty is there. It’s there and it haunts me.
This isn’t a cry for help, it’s just an outpouring of emotions, it’s me writing out my feelings, to say how tired I am, how helpless I feel, wondering how many more sunsets I’ll see, how many more full moons I’ll see.
It’s me hoping that love and a will to live can save us.
