You may be under the impression that the two cats greeting you today are your beloved Marcel and Frances Bean — they aren’t. Since you’ve been gone I have perfected the malevolent craft of feline cloning and have had great success. These two box shitters are not in fact your beloved Marcel and Frances Bean, but evil doppelgangers… and they are even more annoying than the originals.
Evil Frances Bean will endlessly whine and cry for food and needlessly knock shit over for attention. Evil Marcel will sit on your chest — he is the cat equivalent of a sumo wrester — while you are napping, walk on your keyboard, and start biting and effectively ripping into your flesh for attention (Ted Nugent has elegantly addressed this issue already). They will do all of this for absolutely no reason and they operate on a level of pure, unadulterated, Nazi level evil. They have become insidious creatures with no desire other than fulfilling their lust of blood and eating the meat off of your taco when you go to the bathroom.
If you would like the real Marcel and Frances Bean back you must give me $34.73 in unmarked bills and arrange for a helicopter to take me to Nunavut, which I hear is very warm this time of year. I have already taken two boxes of opened Girl Scout cookies, some peanut butter and a can of refried beans. I have done so for I am a devout Cookietarian, Peanutologist and fervent believer in the Holy Beantopia.
Imagine a mystical trinity where cookies and peanut butter are combined into a delicious culinary contortion, beans and peanut butter meld into a protein paste capable of inducing magical constipation, and beans and cookies contort into a fiber rich concoction with the ability to give immediate relaxation of the asshole for emergency magic evacuation. The Trinity is complete, and let us usher in a new society based on free love, cat cloning and bipolar bowel movements.
Just kidding! Those are the real Marcel and Frances Bean. Give me a call and tell me how Chicago was. By the way, I’m never cat sitting those crotch lickers again. I have principles.
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