Lesbianism Made Easy
Helen Eisenbach on how to pick up a
The easiest way to pick up a straight woman, which is so obvious you’ll be embarrassed you didn’t think of it, is to pick up her boyfriend and/or husband. Male heterosexuals, for reasons no one really understands, find the practice of lesbianism — particularly when utilizing their favorite film stars or own personal girlfriends — a particularly appealing way of spending time, second perhaps only to receiving blow jobs. In this, they are united with their homosexual brothers, except for the lesbian part.
Surprisingly many female heterosexuals attached to males are willing to please their boyfriends in this fashion. Of course, there is no reason, other than logic and common decency, to expect the female in question to admit the pleasure she may receive from this hobby of her boyfriend’s — particularly if it has ever been a little hobby of hers in those bouncy college days or other times in her excitingly varied life.
Should you not wish to be offended or disappointed by the degree of open enthusiasm your heterosexual displays about having carnal knowledge of with or on you, it pays to adopt a hardened veneer so as to allow certain statements typical of her kind to bounce off your chest without injuring either your self-esteem or any future chances of being called upon for another go at enhancing her sacred relationship.
These statements will usually take the form of: “This isn’t really my thing”; “I’m not into women”; “I’m only doing this because I really really love Ted”; and “Oooh! That was — I mean, not that I’d ever want to do it again, but God, you’re … sweet.”
There are several possible responses to such clearly desperate, if insulting, statements. You may consider a reply along the lines of, “I don’t know what it is; I usually find sleeping with women much wilder, more uninhibited and multiorgasmic than this!” or a classically simple, “I never want to do that again.” These insults to your female heterosexual’s performance and appeal will, if she’s a woman worth having, effectively provoke her to prove to you, and herself, that you very much enjoyed sleeping with her, whatever you may think you’re pulling now. No doubt she will even be forced to make you repeat various acts until she’s satisfied it’s clear to all concerned that while she may not choose to enjoy what you’re doing together, you can’t deny that you find it fairly … compelling. You should feel free to continue denying your enjoyment, so that she will be forced to call you late into the evening to reiterate her point, during which time you can explain to her that the phone truly isn’t the place for such discussions so why doesn’t she come over so you can clear the air once and for all?
Back to her male “companion” and the beauteous inclusive practices therewith.
Once you have completed the obligatory presex warm-up — I always find a group sing-along to a Neil Diamond offering, particularly “I Am, I Said,” serves as an extremely effective icebreaker — and the Coke, hummus, and tabouli are gone, it is time to get down to satisfying your partner. (Notice my use of the singular. I’m sure you’re perceptive enough to grasp the precise party to whom I am referring.) The male member of your triangle is not your concern in any way, though you may need to get this particular item of business cleared up-front or trouble may ensue. A signed contract may prove helpful.
Start by giving your female heterosexual a massage. This will convey to her that you are not the leering barracuda interested only in your own gratification that she has been led to believe from all the brochures, and it will simultaneously serve the function of leading her male partner to believe he is, in fact, watching the pornographic movie he has fantasized seeing his entire life up until this very moment.
Once your female partner is completely relaxed, you must take some kind of action to rid yourself, if only temporarily, of her mate; “John, go get the scented oils, please,” is particularly useful, especially if in order to obey you he has to leave the apartment and go purchase the product in question, preferably in the next state.
Your goal once John is off on his little errand, by the way, is not to score some brief spasm of heart and muscle but, rather, to share the remarkable transformation of personality and life that is the inevitable result of having sex with a woman, with you — the kind of sex she’d barely dreamed was possible but which, now that she’s finally experienced it, will make all other sex pale in comparison, rendering her useless to anyone but you for the rest of her days, or at least until you’re tired of her.
Perhaps those of you now squirming feel there is something inherently distasteful about attempting to seduce a non-homosexual female. We are here to disabuse you of that notion. Fairly few humans, female humans in particular, are purely monosexual — that is, either hetero or homo — and there isn’t a woman or man alive who wouldn’t be in some way delighted to discover there is an alternative to the much maligned, if debatably winsome, male species. Indeed, by successfully introducing someone to the joys of lesbos, you are showing her a side of the world, herself, and her expanded options that can only enhance her self-esteem and muscle tone, not to mention her disposition, especially after a few more trips around the block with you as personal lesbian tour guide.
Once you realize that showing heterosexual women the options that await them is a remarkably altruistic gesture, you may feel the need for strict adherence to moral codes. Your heterosexual female, by contrast, will expect you to behave in a lustful, predatory fashion, as seen on TV, and will, in fact, be disappointed when you don’t.
Go ahead and disappoint her. The most effective way to neutralize the average heterosexual’s trepidations about the desire she assumes you feel for her is by not making a pass at her, while cheerfully sharing the fact that you’re showing your other gal pals things she’s only dreamed about, things you’d of course be happy to show her if only she weren’t a Montague and you a Capulet.
Should you desire to begin dating your “heterosexual” (whom you may now consider a bisexual or prelesbian, though don’t tell her that), you must not in any way disparage her relationship with her male companion; in fact, you should encourage it. You are not interested in harming the beautiful thing she has found; you are the kind of person who takes love where you can find it, and frankly, the selection just isn’t that plentiful for you to turn down a good specimen of female raw material just because she requires some adjustment.
By keeping a cheerful attitude about her heterosexual hobbies, you can relieve her of much of the burden of guilt she is certain to feel; as she is expecting you to judge her for her relationships with men, she will not be able to contain her gratitude and appreciation when you do not. Eventually, of course, the fact that you are not jealous will start to bother her, but depending on how serious you wish your relationship to be, you can always choose an opportune moment to let slip the fact that you want her all to yourself, making sure to take back your immature, possessive declaration immediately on uttering it.
Interested in learning how to pick up dykes, married women activists, and actresses? Learn these tricks more in Helen Eisenbach’s new ebook, Lesbianism Made Easy.