After Undergrad, Original Panadol Extra

“Almost a graduate.”

This is the weird limbo I am in right now. I am technically done with school and as I haven’t collected my certificate or pali, I cannot qualify as a graduate. When I was younger, I had grand ideas of this phase of my life- this post-graduate life. I would ball like JJ Okocha, be the world’s first centibillionaire (please don’t judge 8-year-old Ope’s grammar or lack of) and have the fame of Beyoncé. Interestingly, I had no plans of how I would achieve this feat. My dream profession at that age was an actress/firefighter/chemical engineer hybrid. Admittedly, a crackhead ambition.

Since I entered uni, I yearned for this moment and now I am here, I feel unprepared for it.

My reality: I am tired yet restless. Bored out of my mind yet actively seeking knowledge. I’m living in a paradox capsule.

I have a cycle: sleep (8+ hours), eat, courses, Netflix, Twitter, anime, write, series (especially medical series). My day is so mindless, my soul is lethargic. There is no grand goal. Same thing daily, more or less. I can’t lie, I enjoy it. It also gives me a headache to be so unproductive yet I have never felt so at peace.

Coming out of the coronavirus pandemic lockdown, I am in a personal pandemic. In retrospect, the coronavirus pandemic that ravaged the world last year is similar to my current life cycle. Except for online classes which have been replaced by courses.

Realizing I liked school is a personal betrayal, the kind that makes your heart speed up and leaves you sick. There was a security in being a student I took for granted. I had a schedule; I was preoccupied with classes, tests, exams, and studio production. There was literally always something to do. Being surrounded by friends was also a blessing but now my friends from uni are scattered around the country, none close to where I live. Yes, we have group chats but the feeling of hugging your friends and laughing with and at each other is an underrated sensation and we had lots of it. I miss them a lot. I also had the privilege of postponing my future while in uni. “When I graduate, I’d think about it” is how I delayed most questions and thoughts about my plans for my future but premium tears, I am here now and the need to get my shit together is greater than ever.

There is a feeling like I have graduated from being a child, being able to make mistakes, having excuses. Now everyone believes I am a fully capable adult who is supposed to have her life together. I don’t. Maybe that is the biggest loss of graduating from uni, this sudden fragile adult character that’s supposed to happen in months. It is vicious like my life has been uprooted and I find myself staring at my pre-graduation self, crying in a wardrobe, locked away by an overwhelming sense of responsibility and the fear of being a failure, knowing painfully I am in charge of my life. The ultimate key of adulthood.

I am a ticking time bomb. A lot of people have an idea of what I should be doing and how I should be doing it. No one cares that I want to rest. I fought for my life in 4 years of uni and I just want to, need to rest. To take a break and relish in being a jobless semi-graduate for as long as I can till the real world kicks me in the head like a horse.

Also, I fear sometimes that my degree is a waste of 4 years, that somehow, I would not use it for anything in life but a degree in Mass Communication is very broad so high hopes.

Last year, I spoke to a friend who was in the same position I am in now and he spoke at length about feeling confined. I think that may be the perfect way to describe life after university. Confined: to other people’s expectations, to my dreams, and to boredom.

I greet older relatives on the phone with bated breath knowing I’d hear the dreaded words.

What are your plans?

What do you want to do now that you are done?

Nothing. I don’t want to do anything yet. Leave me alone, please. Yet, I answer what I believe is the most productive, I am taking courses while I await my results. The answers are true but I also want to sleep like I don’t have any destiny. Apparently, that is too much to ask.

I am just a girl standing in front of everyone, asking them to leave me alone. I am no longer available for questioning, DND. Actually, I’m lying. I am available for writing opportunities (mostly paid, I don’t want to be broque anymore), that is the only thing I am willing to exert myself for in my few months of laziness and enjoyment. Maybe because for the first time I have the luxury of pursuing my hobbies and really discovering what I like beyond academics. Zeus has handed me a cornucopia and I intend to fully utilize it as I learn more about myself. I love writing and my love for reading especially fiction has been rekindled like two lost friends; tentative yet curious. I want to learn to paint, drink alarmingly copious amounts of alcohol and hang out with my baby boy.

With writing, I want to do it my way. I don’t know if I want to carve a niche yet. There might be some changes over time as I figure out what works and finding that sweet intersection of what I love and my readers love too. Feel free to send me any tips, suggestions, how your day is going, anything really. I know this isn’t a newsletter but yeah.

At this point in my life, I am not interested in plants or pets or anything living other than myself. I have earned the right to be selfish. I am simply just existing. Living in the moment.

I wish I could take a gap year as I did after secondary school but responsibilities will wipe me koboko so I will be humble before I am humbled.

This is also a silent (yet simultaneously deafening) plea to working friends and family: Send funds, please. Blows baby powder as a baby girl.

Side note: I have watched two amazing Kdrama series between lockdown and now, Crash Landing on You and It’s Okay to Not Be Okay. Yes, I am late to the party but they are so worth the “hype”. The soundtrack from IOTNBO is simply divine like Odunsi. I can feel all the emotions when listening to it. As for anime, I am about to begin Akame Ga Kill.