Niche Guilt

I feel stuck. Maybe it’s a relatable feeling. Or maybe you’re an actual adult with their ducks in a row. I’m supposedly old enough to be taking care of myself, but I’m not. I don’t know if it’s a can’t or a won’t.

I really, really don’t want to go back to retail. It feels like doing anything that doesn’t put me on an actual career path right now will be detrimental to my future. But I’ve also been jobless for two months now after quitting my terrible previous retail job, and I’m relying on financial support from my family. I don’t want that to continue.

I want to write. However, when I put sustained effort into writing, I end up feeling like I’m wasting time when I should be looking for a low-level job somewhere that’s willing to hire a student (who’s been in college for too long and a half). Do you see my dilemma? Maybe it sounds petty. Usually I go back to watching YouTube to distract myself from the whole thing, which is definitely the worst of three evils, but at least I’m not putting effort into feeling guilty.

What do I do when putting effort into the only niche I can actually see a future for myself in still makes me feel guilty? I’m (nominally) going to school for communication right now (I don’t actually have the money to continue), but I have to wonder if I’ve been wasting money when I should be writing.

Maybe I’m trying to continue schooling because it’s one of the few things I’m competitive in and I like being better than my peers at something. Maybe I’m succumbing to pressure from my parents to get a degree and ruining my life in the process. Maybe I’m too picky, or scared, to settle when I really should. I don’t know many people my age who actually like their jobs (and those that do work in marketing). Is it too much to ask for a career I enjoy, now?

I wish I had the answers. Fin.