The worst week ever

How what was supposedly a great opportunity turned into a disaster. Here’s this cocktail recipe: have some doubt from the beginning, add to this a pinch of cold weather, then add the biggest fear you ever had in your life, shake it and taste it.

First of all let me be clear, I do love my job, and I love taking opportunities even if I have to make concessions…But I feel like this one went way too wrong for me for some unknown reasons.

Begin with the beginning

As I said my job gives me great opportunities, and last year I asked (begged?) my chiefs to let me try to get my truck driving license!-crazy isn’t it?- Every time a session for this driving license will open it’s the moment I cannot leave my job, so after a year I made myself a reason. And I should have stuck to that!

The problem with us human is that we’re stubborn, and as human as I am I was still hoping to grab this opportunity. And sometime in life you need to be taught a lesson to understand that something (or someone) isn’t for you. That was what happened to me.

So as I couldn’t find a great moment for that driving license, my chiefs asked me if the bus driving license will suit me, I was so excited, and guess what, I said yes! Maybe I shouldn’t have said that.

Having some doubts

Starting from that I needed to prepare myself for this training, I started to read again my road rules book to pass the test again, started to prepare myself, anyway I was working on it, but at some point I started to have doubts, I started to think maybe it wasn’t a great idea.

But my stubborn self-convinced me that it was ok, just some stress of leaving home for 3 weeks, and staying in one of the coldest places in France, I was like it’s just a moment to pass, but this stupid doubts wouldn’t leave me alone.

Cold is for civilians, really?!

So Sunday here I’m with a coworker and a superior from another division, taking the road for 6 hours driving up until Brittany region. It’s kind of cold when we leave, but as we’re in the south the temperature starts to be better since we took the road, and then we enter the north, the temperature starts to fall like leaves in autumn plus it’s raining. I feel like I’ve seen this moment somewhere…

Bienvenue chez les Ch’tis

So we arrived, the weather seems good, because it stopped raining at some point on the high way, we’re relieved, because after all we’ll have to drive big trucks and buses starting tomorrow. For tonight we’ll just have a gastronomic meal at McDonald’s.

Here come Monday and Tuesday, feel like it will be a great day! We just grab all we need, do the administrative stuff, and first theory lessons, I take a few minutes to text everyone (my chiefs included) about my first feeling:

Here are some news, I’ve survived the first two days and the weather is very hot, I feel like being in Kinshasa. Well the bus is scary, I thought I’d die in the first handling courses.
The instructors were great, I ‘vent driven outside the school because of stress but I probably will tomorrow.

Who knew that at this point I was preparing myself to feel like a living nightmare?

My biggest fear

As the week was going on, I came to realise that I was terrorised just thinking of driving, and saying that I’m carefuly picking up every word to describe my experience.

Every single time the instructors would let me drive, I’ll be so desperate and afraid that I could feel tears coming into my eyes, and I had cold sweating in the cold weather, I’ve never experienced such intense fear in my life.

My back pain was so intense I could feel my spine burning I’ll just want to stay in my room, this is how I felt during the whole week.

Thursday comes, and my driving session is worse than ever, I feel myself going down through desperation, angriness and total loss of control in the situation, it’s so obvious that one of the instructor talks to me and tells me you can’t keep on going like that.

Finally on Friday we decided after meeting that it’s best for me to stop, because let’s be realistic, even if I have this driving license I don’t think I’ll be able to drive in such a stress state a bus full of 30 people that’s madness.

Plus I won’t be the only one on the road, I might be a danger to others as well, that will be unconscious to keep on being stubborn.

So I wrote the regulatory letter to explain that by agreement with the instructors we’ve decided that for safety reasons and not to push me to a trauma it’s best for me to leave course after a disastrous week.

Failure or not?

If I had to describe this week, it was absolutly a failure, because I really wanted to succed this, and I felt really mad at myself for no being able to control my fear as I always used to do.

But in the same time I feel like it’s more a modesty lesson for me, wanted to do things to compensate loneliness and to try to hide my past failures by doing fearful things is a way to bring me back on earth saying you’re not unbreakable.

We cannot do everything, human being are not super heroes we’ve our failures and weaknesses, and trying to do everything is a way of hidding something taht is wrong is our lifes.

Will I be able to even take the bus again? maybe one day, but for the moment I’ll just focus on driving my own car and get over this fear and anxiety I’ve experienced.