The Documentary of the Writer that Could Not Comma
Interviewer: This is David. He is 30 years old and has battled with a crippling fear of Comma. He aspired to become a writer as a young boy, but his dream soon came to a halt.
David: I’ve been wanting to become a writer since I could remember. It wasn’t until I turned 7 that I realized that it was an impossibility for me. My fear of commas has been a huge barrier for me throughout my childhood. I remember reading the magic school bus at age 9 and seeing it for the first time. As soon as I made eye contact with that atrocity. I freaked out. Tears began to run down my face and I knew that I would never become a writer. I have written over 800 drafts for books. But by the time I had to use a comma I would freak out. I attempted to overcome my fear for around 4 years. Going to therapy twice a week. At 13. I stopped going because I didn’t want to be called sad boii by my peers. I thought if I stopped going. It would fix things. It didn’t. Til this day. I. I’m known as sad boii. Every…Once every 2 weeks I get a call from my former classmates where they are just quiet for 2 minutes then scream out sad boii. I never hang up. I don’t know why I don’t. Probably the same reason I can’t comma.
Interviewer: I noticed that when you speak, you either don’t stop or take a long pause. Care to explain.
David: Great question Lisa. I have always kinda done this. Well. Actually it started when I became aware of commas. I started to think of my speech as verbal writing. I started to see that by taking a brief pause. I was actually using a verbal comma. When I came about this epiphany. I just. couldn’t take a brief pause anymore. I couldn’t use a verbal comma.
Lisa: How did this affect you in your social life, Dave?
David: Like I stated earlier. My peers began to tease me. Calling me sad boii. They would ignore me. No one wanted to be in group projects with me. Knowing that I would be unable to type out the information using proper grammar. The bullying didn’t stop at school. I remember being bullied by my own parents. My mom decorated my room in grammar symbols and there it was... A bloody comma! When my mom showed me what she had done to my room. I ran away crying.
This was last week.
Lisa: It must be hard for you, Dave.
Camera man: what about apostrophes?
Dave: What do you mean what about apostrophes?
Camera man: well, aren’t they just floating commas.
Dave: What?! No. What the fuck is wrong with you man? You’re sick. Sick. I tell you.
Camera man: whatever man. I’m not the one scared of commas.
Dave: Are you just gonna offend me the rest of time? I don’t need this. *walks out*
Lisa: Damn it, Ron. This is the third time you make him cry.
Camera man: Hey, It’s not my fault he can’t comma. * Close up of the camera man’s face, fades to black*