I just come here to vent

I am me. Who that is, I am unsure most days. My life on the roller coaster can be so tiring at times. It’s no wonder there aren’t many passengers. If I could jump off, I would. But there is always that wonder about how the ride will end, which turn will come next, climbs and falls, it’s all still a journey I want to see through.
Recently I, we, have pushed through a crossroad. It’s the first life changing crossroad we came to. Not the little ones like which job to take, which town or side of town to live in, but a big one. One that will affect our future in ways that I haven’t come to terms with yet. I know my mind is confident in the decision but I don’t think my heart hasn’t caught up yet. I’m sure my partner is on the same page. We have our moments of what if, how would this have turned out, and are we really okay if this never happens for us? I feel strong but I also think it is a fight or flight reaction because I went from being really not ok to completely passive overnight. Like I’m not sure what made me switch. I was scared of how not ok I was and then just all of the sudden I woke up the next day and could breath without feeling like I was being crushed and my head was clear. Was it survival? Or did I actually accept this?
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