Why You Shouldn’t Date When You’re Lonely

This topic is about dating after you get out of an abusive situation usually by an intimate partner.

The tough question is, ‘okay so when when do you get back out there?’

And the common mistake is that people get back out into dating too soon.

They might do this because they want to forget their ex or they’re feeling really lonely and it is so important not to date when you’re feeling lonely.

I’m gonna tell you how it goes from one to done, meaning one to back in the abuse cycle again or at the very least lowering your value and settling for less than what you’re worth, which then leads you into more negative cycles. This can apply to meeting new friends as well so keep that in mind.

Often times once you wake up to this pattern of narcissistic abuse, you start getting all the toxic people out of your life. You realize just how many toxic people were in your life, maybe even family members.

You end up feeling really alone and you want to meet new people in your life.

Here’s what happens if you get back out there too soon. This is going to go in order from one to five.

Number one is, when you’re lonely people sense that unconsciously and you will be perceived as low value.

You might think you’re hiding that but you’re probably revealing red flags of desperation to fill the loneliness.

Now I don’t mean red flags of narcissism, I mean red flags of desperation to fill the loneliness like maybe you’re acting needy or maybe you’re just too quick to get involved with someone and accept their disrespectful behavior.

When they start to test you to see how much you’re willing to put up with, people sense your willingness to accept a lack of respect, even if it’s at an unconscious level, and then you’re perceived as not worthy.

Number two, you’re going to be tempted to drop your standards in order to have company so you can avoid your fear of loneliness.

Number three is, you will likely then attract predators like sharks to blood or at the very least some leeches and lazy lions who don’t make an effort or maybe they’re emotionally unavailable or they’re not really doing much in life and either they expect you to do for them or they shame you for doing well for yourself or they show you that you don’t matter in some way like they don’t make time or they just don’t treat you in an honorable way because those kinds of people just can’t appreciate you and your value.

Number four is, your self-worth plummets.

If you accept those kinds of people and that kind of treatment, you’re going to feel even worse about yourself, you’re going to accept even less from others, and you’re going to accept less effort, less value, less investment.

And by number five, you feel stuck or you feel a sense of inertia to get out of the relationship and be alone again.

This is one of the reasons why people stay in abusive or subpar situations because they feel worthless.

They have thoughts like:

‘no one else will love me’

and

‘I’m not good enough to deserve better’

or

‘I’m not good enough to make it on my own’.

So you can see how it goes from one to done real quick.

That’s the danger of getting back out there when you’re lonely.

Here’s the thing, the fear of loneliness is actually much worse than the loneliness itself.

That fear is actually not outside yourself in the world, it’s inside you.

It’s already inside the gates.

If you feel the pathological loneliness caused by parental abuse since childhood, if one of your parents was a narcissistic character, recognize that was programmed into you. It was a wound that was programmed into you and it’s not your fault but you are the only one who can change it. You can change it!

You can only conquer the fear of loneliness by facing it with courage, the courage to be alone and be okay with that. Courage is when you’re scared shitless but your heart says do it anyways.

There are much worse alternatives to loneliness.

You can get into another abusive situation.

You can simply settle for less than what you’re worth in this non-passionate, non-exciting, not really worthy relationship.

You can feel even more alone around others than when you’re actually alone.

Have you ever had that situation when you’re out and about or you just go out for example with a group after work or just some people that you met, and when you’re hanging out with them you just kind of wish you were at home alone because either you’re not really on that level, or whatever they’re talking about doesn’t really interest you, or it feels superficial or maybe it feels like they just don’t really value you and you’re just not connecting?

Personally I would much rather be alone till the day I die than to accept any of those alternatives again.

You can make the best use of your loneliness by working on your self-healing, getting a new hobby, learning something new, taking a new class.

You can learn so much online nowadays even if you don’t have money. You can learn so many things on youtube, websites, or online courses. You can even find a new series to watch on Netflix.

You can catch up with friends that maybe you haven’t seen in a while, if you have friends in your life.

You can read books on topics that interest you. You can learn everything there is about dating and relationships. That’s really important after you get out of these destructive relationships. Learn about what is healthy dating, what are healthy relationships, what would that look like, what kind of behavior should you be exhibiting to show others that you have value and how do you recognize if others have the value you’re looking for?

So how do you know you’re ready to date again?

• You’re gonna feel like you don’t need someone, like it would be nice to hang out with people, to have friends or to date, but you don’t need that person.
• There’s a difference between wanting to engage with people and needing people.
• Another thing is you trust yourself. That means you trust yourself to know the red flags. You trust yourself to know if this is okay for you if it’s not okay for you and you’re very clear on your self-worth… then it’s okay to put yourself out there again.

When you do put yourself out there again you want to practice showing your standards, setting boundaries, listening to your intuition, not being afraid to say no when it doesn’t feel right because you’re not willing to compromise your well-being or your self-worth again for anything.

Until your standards are clear and you’re strong enough to enforce them then you’re not ready to date or make new friends.

These are my recommendations, let me know in the comments if you’ve put yourself back out there again how that’s going, what you’re learning, how you’re setting new standards, and what you’re learning about yourself in these interactions with others.