Should you take a narcissist to therapy?

The short answer is Hell no!

But for the sake of your curiosity, and because I hear this question a lot, I will go into some of the reasons why it’s not recommended to take a narcissist to therapy and what you might expect if you do.

Therapists say that narcissists only go to therapy when they are court ordered or their back is against the wall. This means they’re going to lose their job, marriage, family, etc.

Therapists say sometimes they see narcissists who enroll themselves in therapy because they believe they’re depressed or anxious. Savvy therapists who realize that it’s not really depression or anxiety but rather NPD, also know not to tell narcissists that they have NPD because that can put them in danger and leave them open to aggression and retaliation.

Savvy therapists say that for a narcissist, therapy is usually about an agenda. Narcissists are often in therapy to blame others and build a case for their victimhood.

Therapists also report that sometimes the narcissist goes to therapy on their own because they’re upset that someone in their life is setting boundaries and limits or has called them out on their behaviors. Sometimes they want help convincing another person to change their boundaries and they are looking for validation from the therapist because they believe they’re entitled to contact or whatever they’re trying to get from the target.

If a person goes to therapy and isn’t honest, there’s no chance that therapy will be helpful for change.

If you take a narcissist to couples therapy, you should be prepared that the therapist may not see through the Covert Narcissist or Sociopath’s charm or pity story. The narcissist could possibly snow over the therapist who may not be educated or experienced in these matters.

The therapist clients that I’ve had said they took only 1 class on these personality disorders and if you’ve ever read the DSM of Psychiatry, then you know that description doesn’t really paint the picture of what it looks like in real life, especially the covert style of manipulation and exploitation.

If you take a narcissist to couples therapy, you could get blamed and the therapist might encourage you to be more accepting of the person. What they don’t know is that this is the equivalent of telling a victim to go ahead and keep working on accepting that their partner beats them every day and just try to communicate better. The only difference is that narcissistic abuse is invisible and the therapist may not know how to identify it. This is very dangerous for your health, sanity, and wellbeing.

Likely you will leave the couples therapy feeling more invalidated and confused.

Worse yet, you could be so triggered by the narcissist’s cool and charm that you lose it to one of their subtle provocations or dog-whistling comments and then you look like the unstable one.

The worst case of all, is when the therapist is a covert narcissist or sociopath and gangs up against you with the narcissist or sociopath that you brought to therapy.

If the therapist is savvy and catches on and calls it out, you might feel immensely validated in the moment, but later you will get punished by the narcissist and this could even put your life in danger. At the very least you’re risking your sanity and wellbeing.

Did you know most insurance plans don’t cover NPD? Probably because they know there’s no hope for change so it’s a huge waste of money. Also there are no drugs for NPD so there’s no opportunity for Big Pharma to make money.

There’s only 1 reason sociopaths go to therapy: to learn. They sometimes want to discover where the cracks in their mask are so they can fine-tune their abuse and manipulations, making it even more challenging to detect.

Sam Vaknin, a self-declared cerebral narcissist, says that the narcissist sees therapy as a sport. That makes sense because it’s like intellectual sparring for them to try to outsmart the therapist. They probably want to see themselves as a peer or better than the therapist.

HG Tudor, a self-declared narcissistic sociopath did a great video called But I Can Change. https://youtu.be/HoZcU3ziD4s

He says the lesser narcissist doesn’t go to therapy because of their blind ignorance. They think they aren’t doing anything wrong and they don’t feel like they need to change.

The greater narcissist also rarely goes to therapy because they know what they do but they feel it must be done because they are superior to others and therefore their needs are more important. Tudor says they will use charm and threat to stop the target for leaving but rarely promise change unless they see the opportunity for more Machiavellian behaviors through manipulation by stoking false hope or to further their agenda. In essence the greater narc goes to therapy to improve their tradecraft of con-artistry.

Tudor says the mid-range narcissist is the one who is most likely to go to therapy and say the words “But I can change.” Tudor says the mid-ranger actually believes they’re a good person so they’ll go to therapy for the façade of it or to blame their demons instead of owning the responsibility of their actions and they will also give the illusion of change behavior to their loved ones. The mid-ranger will even stop the behaviors for a period of time to pull you back through their charm again.

Here’s what typically happens. I’ve seen this story again and again with clients. Maybe you confronted the narcissist about their behaviors and suggested therapy hoping they would change. In that moment, they denied any wrong-doing, they shifted the blame to you or someone else, they redirected and deflected every statement you made in order to avoid the responsibility of their manipulative and abusive actions. Then maybe there was a long period of no change and they took no initiative to get help so you buried the hope and went No Contact. Don’t get your hopes up again if they suddenly decide to go to therapy once you’ve cut them off because they’re likely only there to try to secure their supply source in you again. Don’t let yourself get swindled by the narc or the therapist.

The point is if you’re thinking about taking a narcissist, psychopath or sociopath to therapy, don’t do it. Save your money and energy for your own therapy to work on your recovery. The narcissist is never going to change. But you can. You can heal yourself and move forward after this devastating experience.

It can be a great help to see a therapist in your recovery process. I’ve had some clients tell me they found out about the term narcissist from their therapist. Be sure to call around and interview them first. Ask pertinent questions like: Are you familiar with narcissistic abuse? Do you have experience working with victims of emotional abuse? Do you have experience working with people who have complex-PTSD caused by abusive relationships? Most importantly listen to your intuition. If you don’t get a good vibe or you feel like the therapist just doesn’t get it, end the relationship and keep looking for another one who does.