When you can’t let go of the Narcissist

SANA Q&A questions.

The querent says, “I’ve been a victim 3 times of narcissism. My mother, my first husband and my biggest star of all, the con artist, second husband. I’m lucky I’ve walked away with my life. Stupidly enough, I fell head over heels to his charm, especially with my first husband who cheated on me. And I met my second husband a week later.

The rest is history after 13 years of calling me almost everything I have. I’m back on my feet and started to operate my business again. And my sick mind says I still love him so much and craving for the happy times we had. It’s hard to let go. Everybody around me thinks I’m crazy.”

First of all, great job for getting back on your feet, getting your business going again, that’s amazing. That means you’re starting to progress in the healing journey. Fantastic! I also totally understand the struggle of letting go. It’s so hard to let go and you’re not alone.

Everybody reading this right now who was in a relationship with an abuser, whether they were in an intimate relationship, a friendship of a few years or maybe a lifetime, a family member, a parent, a sibling, a cousin, a neighbor, a boss, a coworker. Whoever this person was in your life, it’s still hard to let go, it’s always hard to let go.

Why is that?

I think it has a lot to do with the cognitive dissonance caused by the Stockholm Syndrome. The Stockholm Syndrome is also known as the trauma bond and it’s explained as insane loyalty.

What does that mean?

Sometimes, I get messages, email supports or sessions with people who are parents and they are not going through narcissistic abuse but they’re watching one of their kids go through it and they’re reaching out to me because they’re like, “I just don’t get it. Why doesn’t s/he see it? Why doesn’t s/he leave him? Why is s/he staying with this manipulator? This is the situation and it is so obvious to me but she won’t listen to me”.

And so I explained to them what is this insane loyalty and how it happens. This is the truth. What happens is, the victim will defend the abuser because of how deeply in that Stockholm Syndrome they are. They’re being loyal to the abuser. It’s like being insane because you’re being loyal to the person who is hurting you. There is nothing normal about that, it’s just that most of us were raised in families where that abuse was normal.

So naturally, as adults, when you meet somebody who behaves like that, we’re like, “that’s normal. That is just how humans are. That’s just like mom, that’s just like dad or that’s just like someone else.”

In the case of the querent, she says it’s the mother.

What I would suggest is that quite likely something about both of these husbands that you had, reminds you of how your mother treated you growing up. And it’s hard to let go of them because you haven’t entirely seen that pattern yet.

Once you see the big picture pattern of how these have repeated all the way back to childhood, it’s so much easier to let go of the lovers, the friends, the coworkers and those later in life relationships. Once you can see the original trauma, once you can see the original abuser in your life, it’s a lot easier to let go.

What I would also suggest is to watch a video that I did, “Mourning the loss of the idea of it all”, it’s about how quite often that’s the hardest part to let go. Not so much the person themselves but the idea of what you had, of what that relationship was, who that person was to you, of the future that you had planned together, the comfortable life that you had built together in the present, this thing that you want to do together, how you envision spending your life with this person and grow old with this person.

It’s more than just the person. I think the hardest part to eradicate from your mind is the idea of it all. That’s the biggest piece of the mourning, the idea, the illusion, the false hope of what would be in the future. It’s so hard to let go of that because one part of you is going to want to hold on to this future that you always wanted to have.

The perfect family, the husband, the wife, the kids and the white picket fence, and however that dream goes. It’s not the same for everybody but it’s a similar kind of dream. Everybody envisions some kind of perfect family life. For most of us, that’s not just the reality of what life is going to be, at least not with that person. So, it’s really the idea, it’s hard to let go of that idea when you envision what this would be and what the future would be. Facing the truth is the way through. It’s how you pierce through that denial.

I really encourage you to look at the feeling which you’re addicted to. On one side we have the idea of the future, what it would be and who would that person be to us, and what life would look like. On the other side, there’s also that feeling, it’s some feeling that you were addicted to. Not just that person because the feeling is familiar, the second husband, the first husband, the mother, possibly other people in between.

So, what is that feeling? That’s what you want to figure out. It’s the same reason why addicts seek out a substance. It’s not about that substance, it’s not about heroin, even though heroin is one of the most addicting substances on the planet. There are people who can try it and never get hooked. It’s why some people find gambling addicting. Not everybody who sits at a slot machine or plays poker is going to become addicted. Same reason as shopping and food can become addicting, but it’s not addictive for everyone.

So, addiction is not about the substance, addiction is about the feeling that you were trying to mask. The feeling that you were trying to distract yourself from. In the case of the abuse, the addiction is to the person or the relationship.

So, what you’re trying to figure out here is, what is that feeling? What is the feeling that you had with that person at the beginning? Back when they were idealizing you, when they were love bombing you, what was it? Were they giving you some sort of validation that you always wanted to hear?

That you’re attractive, that you’re smart, that you got things figured out in your life. Is it something like that? Or was it that they were seemingly listening to you? They were mirroring everything you’re saying. They were really into everything you’re saying, and you assume, “Wow, finally someone is hearing me. I never felt heard all my life”.

What is the pattern there? What is the core feeling? The core feeling when you go down to the core of it, chances are that feeling is either loneliness or rejection, one or the other. And chances are that feeling originated in childhood.

So, what is that feeling that is distracting you from your life? That’s how you felt since childhood with your mother. Because we as adults attract people in a situation that reminds us of our childhood wounds. It sounds like this “woo” idea, everything is about the parents and how it started, it really is.

That’s where the programming took place. That’s where you were hard-wired to believe that you had to act this way, that when other people did this, this is how you responded. You were taught to stuff down your feelings, your thoughts, your needs, your perceptions of reality because you had to rescue someone else or you had to pretend that everything was okay.

There was all sort of things that took place but when you really look at it, there is some kind of core wound feel. That’s what you’re trying to distract yourself. That’s what the early stages of meeting both husbands were for you. Maybe, when you met that first husband, he was love bombing you. He was doing everything for you that you thought that your mother never did. You were like, “this is nothing like my mom”. But then it flipped. Then suddenly something started to feel a lot like it even though maybe you weren’t aware at that time.

And the other thing I want to point out is that this is also the danger of jumping right into another relationship as one is ending. The querent said that she met her second husband a week later.

So, if you’re in a relationship and things don’t go well, take time to heal afterward. Don’t jump right into another relationship. If you’re just realizing, coming to terms with your past relationship or maybe it was even a friendship, take time to heal. Don’t start dating right away, don’t start seeing someone seriously right away. Certainly, don’t get into a relationship right away because you’re not well.

You need time to heal. And until you heal from that feeling, from that Inner Child wound, people are always going to keep reminding you how you felt in the early stages of your life. They’re just going to keep showing up in different forms. Maybe some of them are more overt, maybe some of them are more covert. What I found is that they got progressively covert in my life over the years. The earlier ones were more overt, more psychopathic, more overt narcissists. But then it got gradually more refined into that last covert narcissist, who I suspect is a mix of sociopath and covert narcissist.

I remember thinking that guy is so different, nothing like it was in the past, he’s just insecure. He just has insecurity issues. When I talked about it, I only said a few things to this woman, she said to me, “He’s a narcissist and you better leave him and figure out about codependency for yourself”. I was like, “No, trust me, I know what abuse is like. I’ve been through abuse”. And she said, “No, he’s just a more sophisticated model”. And she was right on.

I didn’t want to listen to her at that time, I didn’t want to hear it. I just wanted to believe in that future, that idea of everything we were going to be, which was a big fantasy and only existed in my own mind. The way he was trying to get me to believe it all… he was just a more sophisticated model.

Recognize that it might not show up in exactly the same way and quite likely they will get more sophisticated as you keep seeing more of them over the course of time. I suggest that you take a time out after one of these relationships. Take time to heal and don’t immediately get involved with a new person. Don’t immediately get involved with new friends either. If you say, “okay, I’m not going to date for the next year”, which is great, take that time for yourself, but maybe the universe sends that person to you as a new friend, a colleague, or a business acquaintance. The pattern will keep on showing up until you deal with that inner child wound, until you deal with that core feeling, which is either loneliness or rejection.

How do you know the difference? I suggest looking back at the feeling. Look at your recent relationship with your last ex and ask yourself, how did you feel during that time? What triggered that wound? And then go back to the relationship with the another ex, how did you feel then? Was it similar? Was it different? And then go back to childhood and see how does it resonate. When did you ever feel like that before?

Just keep tracing that feeling back to its origin. It’s like tracking the feeling back in time, to recognize that this has been a pattern all your life, you just didn’t notice it because of the normality bias. Recognize how that pattern has played out into your adult life.

If your primary childhood wound is loneliness, when you get into a problem with a person, your tendency is likely to withdraw, to separate yourself from whatever is going on, to go deal with it on your own, to figure it out, to get to the bottom of it, then come back and try to work it out with that person.

If your core wound is rejection, what’s going to happen is you’re going to move toward the person you have an issue with. You’ll beg them to talk about the problem right away.

Eventually, the person who was lonely comes back and tries to work things out but initially, the response is to separate, to withdraw, to get some time alone. The person with the rejection wound is going to be clinging desperately to the abuser from the get-go. Then the abuser often will push them away.

Notice your own coping mechanisms. When things get rough and difficult, do you go away on your own and try to figure things out or figure out how you feel or how to approach the situation? Or when you’re in the middle of a problem with another person, do you immediately try to engage with them to work it out?

There’s a third wound, and this work comes from Roberto Perez, by the way. He works in philosophy and spirituality, and combines a lot of things with the enneagram. It’s a way of looking at people’s personalities. He divides the 9 enneagram types into three different categories based on our Inner Child wound. It’s fascinating. You can look him up on YouTube. His videos are in Spanish but they have subtitles.

The first two wounds that I mentioned were loneliness and rejection. I think those are predominantly the wounds of the people who get into relationships with abusers and manipulators. The loneliness wound is the #1 codependency wound. The rejection, I’ve only seen in a smaller percentage of my clients that I’ve actually worked with doing sessions and coaching.

The third one, which I don’t work with people in this category, but the third category of Inner Child wound is attacked. That person will aggress. They will aggressively or passive-aggressively impose themselves on other people when things aren’t working out because they feel attacked. Chances are that’s the pattern you recognize in the person that you were in a relationship with. It’s what is behind the narcissistic injury, where even the smallest constructive criticism can cause a narcissist or other Cluster B to lash out or punish you more covertly. Whenever there is an issue, they try to violate your boundaries or they take the covert aggressive way, which is guilt-tripping and shaming you about your boundaries. They deal with issues by imposing on people to try to get what they want. They also feel they’re being attacked when other people don’t do what they want.

That’s probably not anybody, or a very small percentage of people, reading this. Chances are you identify more with the wound of loneliness or rejection.

Once you realize what your childhood wound is, start looking at where in your life that showed up as an adult as well. When did you feel like that? What was going on at that time? How are you coping with that? What are some more positive strategies that you can use moving forward to heal that inner wound so that you don’t keep attracting someone who reminds you that that’s how you feel?

If you were a child and you learn to stuff down that feeling of devastating loneliness, which is what I recognized in my second ayahuasca experience. I couldn’t escape the feeling of devastating loneliness. I didn’t know how to articulate what was wrong until that point. I couldn’t get away from it during the several hours long experience. Whether my eyes were open or closed, that horrible gnawing feeling was all I could experience inside and all around me. It was horrible,

I didn’t realize how I’d been stuffing that feeling down my whole life. I remember asking myself during that experience, how could I have stuffed that feeling down and just gone on like everything was okay? In childhood with a narcissistic parent, you learn to do that. It’s a survival mechanism.

Recognize that you were deceiving yourself, you were betraying yourself. It’s not your fault that it was taught to you. But now as an adult, you can take the responsibility for yourself. You can take the reins of your destiny in your hands again. Remind yourself, that’s what it was in the past but that’s no longer how you’re going to live my life. You’re going to resolve that inner wound in order to stop attracting someone who reminds you of how you felt all your life because you still haven’t worked that childhood stuff out.

That’s the invitation after coming across one of these abusive personalities in your life. It’s the invitation to revisit your Inner Child wound and to heal it once and for all. Otherwise, that pattern just keeps coming up. So, if it’s still showing up in your life, it means there’s still more work to do.

People often don’t understand you in this process. The querent wrote, “Everybody around me thinks I’m crazy”. I’m sorry that you feel so alone and hopefully, people will start to comment here below, and you’ll realize that you’re not alone, that many people felt that they were crazy, that many people felt like that when they talk to other people about it because other people didn’t understand it.

This is very common because they don’t understand it if they haven’t been through it. Or they’re in it and they can’t see it for themselves yet because of the denial. So, they can’t see your predicament either. Quite often it’s just that the person has never experienced anything like this. It’s confusing, it doesn’t make sense to them.

So, have a little bit of compassion for them and recognize why they may not understand it. Also, recognize there could be people who don’t have your best interest at hands. They could be one of those Cluster B people using emotional drama and manipulation to minimize, rationalize and blame-shift, telling you that you have a problem just because they don’t want you to look at them. They don’t want you to see who they are. They don’t want to have to face their responsibility.

Be cautious. It could be someone who just doesn’t see it because they haven’t experienced it. It could be someone who’s in your position but they can’t see their own predicament, so, they can’t see yours. Or it could be someone who’s very similar to your abuser and they don’t want you to see it.

So, either way, you’re going to find solace in the community of people who have been through narcissistic abuse. If you haven’t been to any of the online support groups, check it out! You’re going to see so many people who have almost the exact same thoughts and feelings that you’re describing.

That’s the benefit of being in a support group. You’re going to see a lot of people who have been through something very similar. Just always maintain caution when you’re entering any support group whether it’s a 12-step group or narcissistic abuse support group. Just be cautious that there could always be Cluster B types in there who are looking for vulnerable people to prey upon, or even those who are the victim-playing types of manipulators who cannot see who they are.

Be cautious and always have good boundaries. But recognize that where you’re going to find understanding the most, is people who have been through it themselves. They’re going to remind you that you’re not crazy. You’re not alone. We all felt like that at some point. So, it’s not your fault but it is your responsibility now to deal with those childhood wounds.

To the querent, it’s great that you’re taking the reins of your life back. You got your job, you’re getting on your feet, your business is going again and that’s amazing. That means you’re definitely moving forward in your life.

Be cautious that you’re still aware of this and that you resolve that inner feeling. Because what can happen, and what happened to me so many times is not recognizing what was wrong. I would start to heal from one relationship and things would start to be progressing in my recovery, I would be getting close to feeling successful again and then I would meet that next abusive person. It’s like radar. They would come into my life and the bottom would drop out again and I’d be crushed again. Then I would have to rebuild AGAIN. That’s what happens when you don’t see the pattern. It’s called repetition compulsion. That’s why we have to recognize what the childhood feeling is and work on healing it.

If you’re not familiar with John Bradshaw’s information, he has a great book called Homecoming. He also has loads of videos. He’s deceased now, but there are still videos on YouTube. You can see him speaking live at seminars decades ago, talking about healing the Inner Child. You can see group sessions going on too where he would have people face their anger and other feelings left from it. Get the book because it’s really helpful! You can move forward and be happy in your life.