What Happens When You Are No Longer With Your “Daddy”/Husband?

I’ve wanted to do this post for a while now, but fear has stood in my way. I guess fear of being too vulnerable. To honest. To open and I think deep down feeling too needy. But not anymore. I wanted to have an honest conversation with all of you, my faithful readers about my first-hand experience the last two years after losing my husband of 18 years on July 29th, 2021. Daddy Jim and I were together for eighteen years. The last two of it in hospice in our home. It wasn’t easy, but now those last two years are the ones that mean the most to me.

Before that, eight years before (for a total of 10 years) we didn’t have sex as his prostate had been shaved as it had grown enlarged and needed to be treated. It also made his erections impossible and once that happened he lost interest physically as well as sexually. It also meant he lost interest romantically too, again not ideal but we made it work. Not ideal, but it was what it was. We also grew to the point where we shared different bedrooms:

1. I was sleeping better alone.

2. It gave me time to use my dildos. Again maybe being too honest here but it’s the truth. Without his sexual interest & being in a monogamous relationship I had to have some kind of outlet.

You may be asking yourself why did I even stay. Simple, I loved him and I still do even though he’s been gone two years. We had too much time together to throw it away, and all we had was each other as neither of us had family that talked to us, and I still don’t. I learned all too brutally that after my mother died before I lost my husband she was the “glue” that made my immediate family polite… with her death, the true feelings of hatred came out. Besides, there were other ways in which I could serve:

Cooking, cleaning, shopping, housework, entertaining our friends, and loving him the best way I knew how including keeping him at home like he wanted as he got worse physically. He was 79 years old when he died. I was just 55; and no matter how much you think you’re prepared for someone who’s very ill to die you never are. It was both an incredible…