Letter to America
Dear USA,
Right! This really is getting too silly now!
We told you when we let you have North American that we expected you to look after it properly and not get bored and try and give it to your little brother Canada the first chance you got.
We were actually very impressed with your behaviour in WW2, although being a little earlier next time would be nice and all that fuss and bother in South-East Asian a few years later was embarrassing.
We have spoken about this before but the fact is that you simply cannot go around appointing the first television star you find to the presidency.
That former actor fellow was a buffoon who at least had the decency to follow his script and generally obey the rules. The bright lad who did the job before has the right idea and a few of the others, even those Bush people were clearly drafted out of the nearest old codgers home managed not to upset the apple cart and generally behave themselves, and the chappie with the saxophone was strange but acceptable after a fashion, but this one? What on earth were you thinking?
Basically, you have elected Scrooge McDuck to the presidency!
You have forgotten the basic rules! The world will accept “evil/clever” and “good/idiot” what they will not accept is “evil/idiot” Think British Bad Guy in any of your action movies. If you want evil you need Alan Rickman or that chappie who played Goldfinger in the Bond movie. At the very least some witty repartee and a tendency to monologueing perhaps with a gun -you have loads of those so no problem there.
Basically, you have elected Scrooge McDuck to the presidency! The rest of the world is not so much laughing as wondering if this is some sort of gag that they don’t understand.
Someone who can spell his name without needing the best two out of three goes.
What we suggest is that you have a word with his court jester, shuffle him off to some far flung bar and golf course in the middle of nowhere with a Twitter account and let him text to his heart’s content while someone with more than two brain cells runs your country. Probably not anyone who voted for him but definitely someone who can spell his name without needing the best two out of three goes.
Fully paid up members of the Pigs Head Club.
Yes, I know you are going to say that back home things are not all that great either but the odd woman in charge will be off to some boardroom in a few weeks and the other oddbods around her will probably vanish as well when someone leaks their MI5 files, they all went to public school so are bound to be fully paid up members of the Pigs Head Club. We may end up with Boris in charge but even he will probably be able of putting a couple of meaningful sentences together and if he doesn’t then Uncle Jeremy and the flat cap cadre are waiting in the wings to give liberty and social justice try.
Choices, USA, remember choices.
So basically, either you sort this all out or we are taking the country back because you are not looking after it oh and don’t think we don’t know about that little plan to invade in the 1930s either! We’ll talk about that as well.
Write me when you have dealt with this.
Affectionately yours,
Auntie Albion
