Priming the Pump

I know something Jeff Sessions does not.

Sometimes we have to invent new language to represent what needs to be done federally. This is where 45, sitting at 3 am in his tighty whiteys, comes up with phrases that will make America great again. I understand that many of you have no clue what it means “to prime the pump”. but allow me to explain. We have a huge deficit, and a great debt. In order to increase the wealth of the one percent, we must give them tax cuts which will make them so much richer that the money will not fit into their pockets anymore, and will then splash out as excess. This infusion of cash will find its way into a golden pump which will then magically and automatically produce more wealth. The funds will then be taxed at existing rates which will obviously reduce both the debt and the deficit because, as we all know, when you let the government, the lobbyists, and the wealthy dictate fiscal policy, the country always saves money and prospers. The 99% could possibly benefit from this, in a universe controlled by alternative economics.

The good news is that this priming probably will not cost as much as originally thought. We already have lots of older yet usable pumps laying around, holdovers and slightly used relics from previous republican administrations. Also, the white house has at its head a great negotiator, a man who is actually getting Mexico to pay for that wall by sheer force of will. With the proper leverage and collective bargaining, 45 will no doubt be able to manipulate the Chinese currency enough to cover two thirds of the initial costs. The final third may have to come from defunding Obamacare, inducing those formerly insured into the military where, after serving us somewhere near North Korea, they can later retire and get their new healthcare from a combination of the VA hospitals and charities heavily subsidized by donations from the 45 Foundation. As an added bonus, all those who die while serving will actually reduce the risk pool, thereby cutting costs for all.

Actual pump used to drain the swamp.

Sadly, this grand plan may never bear fruit as it has become clear that you need money to make money, and clearly, America has none. There is a solution, of course, which would be to actually raise taxes on those who can afford it most, and then use THAT money to prime the pump. But no one seems to have thought of that idea yet. The good news is that there are still plenty of 3 am twitter tweets in our future, and the man with so many great ideas still has time to make me tired of winning.