Angel Ärger

Do me a favour and don’t please rip off me wings again?

Do you see me?
I mean do you comprehend what you apprehend when I chose my actions, my sentiments, my lifestyle, my personal politics?
Do you know what it means to have an ‘artistic temperament’?
Good. Because neither do I.

I am an artist.

You knew that when you got to know me. You saw nothing against us being closer friends and perhaps lovers.

They say the ones who are closest to you hurt you the most.

I never took that to mean anything in a literal sense.

And yet, when you tell me “If you leave now, don’t come back” whether in 1995 or 2015, whether we’ve been together one year or four years or forty-five years, whether you are husband, Mother, brother, lover, ex-lover,

Excuse me.

When did it become OK to withold and put conditions on ‘LOVE’?

I mean, we LOVE each other right? So what does LOVE mean? What is it that lives between us in its TRUTH then?

You receive impressions and ideas from the world (myself being one of them) outside of your own brilliant internal universe, and then respond in a subjective way.
Was this the way I had intended my musings and sharings, fantasies and visions to be understood?
And yet, it becomes OK to seize my soul’s stirrings and thrust judgement and emotional ultimatums on them? I know you may be reading this without receiving what my soul is saying, or reading this only in order to retort with your side of things, but maybe 
just maybe you could also be reading this 
and saying

OK

Wait.

BREATHE. (But really breathe in. Deeply. And in the lower belly, not raising the shoulders up or tensing the chest. And exhaling same. Repeat)

And saying, “Right. Let me try and hear you now”

O how I have learned what it is to be human in this century.
And in the last century.
And in the last.
And the last.

Because really, what is perpetuated is not original, but a figment of projected ancestral fear and separation. 
Remember all that suppression, war, violence, dark ages, medieval mentality and Victorian bias? Not to mention classical themes of overrule, appropriate, occupy, eliminate, disintegrate the undesirable element, … Where did these soul qualities go? Did we evolve to a better place and simply let go of all those impulses? 
“Don’t be ridiculous. It’s 2016 not 1616.”
Cellular memory is rightfully obscure and questionable. In our age of quantifiable evidence, statistics, and measurements, things like past lives, collective consciousness, and cellular memory (among sooo many others) are not so much dubious, as simply, yet unproven.

So the impulse to spur men on to make war rather than love in our dim and (is it)n distant past exists as a reptilian instinct to survive, to thrive without concern to the greater area of planet. To take. To judge by gut. And by fear.

Ah yes, the companion to men’s evolution. Fear.
Yet we have failed to utilise it for evolution. Instead in the amount of tjme that grows exponentially briefer, we are the sole race on earth that has succeeded in eradicating resources, societal harmony, and higher human faculties. For the majority of people living in a contemporary west anyway.

And if you partake of the on-the-books citizen’s register, watch TV, read newspapers, smoke, drink, ejaculate, have sugar, partake of recreational drugs, etc., then you have enrolled in the hamster wheel — Congratulations!

But tell me still,

Why do you take what I create, and taste it through YOUR filter?

My gesture/word/movement/song/project originated in my own little birdbrain, did it not?

How interesting that it is now subject to laws in the land of YOUkingdom?

But as I said, and not in a condescending manner (yes please try to receive this) ~ there is a subtle absorption here of the psychic linguafranca that is fear, shame, guilt, self-doubt, emptiness, addiction, out of control thoughts/habits/compulsions/verbal cues… You forget one thing: they originated from my being, and not yours.

(and to behonest, from the way as i understand it, your attitudes did not originate from you. actually)

Although we may be soulmates we are not clones. My impulse, motivation, and inspiration is very very different than yours. I did not say ‘better’, but DIFFERENT. If you want to know what’s going on in me, why would you not simply ask? Out of interest, curiosity, or even concern?

Is there a respect for my hold on life? Is there an interest in my being, other than how I am your partner/child/relation (or relative)/friend? OR am a quaint thing? Charming? Bit of a novelty? Not to be taken seriously?

I do respect that we ALL are such unique creatures, and mostly I am fascinated by how we work and are put together. If I don’t get something, I like to think that wherever possible I would ask directly (some cultures would consider it rude or intrusive), because I trust my intention is purely that of interest for my fellow planet-dweller. If it is preceived as malicious or suspect, I am open to reevaluating myself deeper, but what is life for if not to swim in it? 
Whatever your concept of the ultimate life force that brought us all here is, do you think we were created to stand at the shoreline of the great expanse? To stand back and away from the dancing fire? To exist side by side with other men women and peoples without contact of verbal, visual, or emotional means?

I don’t go out to intentionally to connect with others constantly, but inevitably something invites me. Into the world of another. Taking a chance. Pushing me out of a comfort zone. Yes i suppose I must have a comfort zone too. Anything can happen. I am blind, because my heart leads the way. I can’t order my mind to tell my heart to do a different thing, or do it a different way. Well, i guess i could try to do it a different way sometime. But i try to simplify and be in the flow of nature, not create too many extra waves …

Suffice it to say, please don’t project your insecurities onto me. I have my own ones to reform, thanks. And please look hard for the respect and courtesy you once afforded me when you loved me for who I was. And not who I’m not. Thank you.

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