The Tab, My Home, and Hope
The tab was there, I am sure it was when I found the book, but for some reason the bookmark never revealed itself fully to me until tonight. What seems insignificant to many might be a mountain to another. Tonight the final signatures on my family’s heritage signify the end of an era and the beginning of a new one. However, in the crossfire of letting go a wave of nostalgia and pain erupted, stronger than Mount Vesuvius! I cried buckets, shook like a school girl who did not get voted in, and like when I broke my violin bow a few years back…that same lost feeling that just happens when something you counted on is gone. Well, back to the bookmark! It was set for the date, September 17 and it reads something to ponder. We all can ponder a few moments, right? Here in this book, I read this: “You will not find my PEACE by engaging in excessive planning: attempting to control what will happen to you in the future. That is a commonly practiced form of unbelief.” So, then, this person who plans and moves accordingly is hit with the loss, grief, final let go of a home that represented safety and protection from the elements, humans of ill-intent, and that wonderful feeling called, “home”. Here I am, some 2000+ miles away from that home, and I will never get to walk inside this place again, nor see the pictures on the wall, the items stuffed inside the closet, or the dust that accumulated behind my mom’s bed I found after she got sick. The bathroom with the skylight, nor the breezeway that housed her doggies, and with all that memory fading away it feels as if I have lost control over those thoughts. Yet, here I am, writing them down as if they were just happening yesterday.
The Creator further encouraged me in this passage by stating, “I did not design the human mind to figure out the future. That is beyond your capability. I crafted your mind for continual communication with ME!” I guess the big issue is that this Giving Creator wants me to let go of the fear of losing my memories and the home of my youth and trust Him with the outcome. So, then I move in this form, breathing a bit of a sigh. Trust comes at a price, and that price is pride. You have to give up and let go in order to move forward. Easy? Oh, I wish! But, I do not have to worry about the struggle to give up, I choose to do so and I keep choosing this after it returns to my thinking.
Yes, the roses will fade, and the apple trees might be cut down, even the big tree in the front yard which harbors good memories and bad will become a thing of the past, except in one arena, MY HEART. I can close my eyes and see my mom in the kitchen, asking for more coffee, and add some instant, yours is too weak, she says… I laugh, Mom, you actually wanted the coffee that strong?” and we laughed again. Yes, I will have those memories, even more so, as I begin to write down those thoughts so my legacy of my family is carried forward to their children. I guess, my job now is to rekindle the love of my family and give
them the gift of hope. Stuff might burn, life might change, new paint might cover the walls, and a new roof may keep the inside dry, but the foundation is solid: home. It will rejoice in the life that will live there and it will bless others with its 48-year-old strength…that foundation lasted that long and will last even when I am gone. The foundation I want to give, now, is like a bookmark for my family, my sons, their wives and girlfriends, my daughters, and my family-created children with their families…I guess, what I am trying to say is that letting go might seem a small thing to most, but letting go to me is like starting a new journey, one that I get to create and write about so the PEACE might be passed onward. Thank you Creator for holding that place in the book. I knew you had my back. I think I like this idea, PEACE. No spinning thoughts or random panic attacks or peace that eludes me. This time, You have Your mighty Creative Hand on this woman’s heart and I am going to do what YOU want me to do For You. Peace. It’s Real.
~Just a thought by Pamela