It’s Time You Learned The Truth About Morning Wood

“Good morning, beautiful. Did I wake you? Well now that we’re all here, hows about we get this day started off right?”

When I wake up to my boyfriend’s morning wood against my back, my instinct is to grab my pillow and snuff it out like a raging campfire. Here I am in my nice cushy bed, sun shining and birds chirping — and suddenly I’m stricken with the harsh reminder you want to penetrate me?

I turned to Twitter to validate my morning wood frustrations, expecting to find a bunch of equally irritable ladies. What I found instead was that most of the people complaining about morning boners were men. I’d always assumed guys were thrilled to wake up with a hard-on. Instead, they were (understandably) annoyed by having no control over their body and just as clueless as to why this was happening.

Try waking up to it slapped against your butt, Max!

You and me both, Bryan.

Let’s see if we can’t figure that out for you, LilDuck_.

One popular theory says nocturnal penile tumescence (the medical term for morning wood) is caused by having to pee. After all, research found men with spinal cord injuries still experience erections consciously when their bladder is full. But when I asked my boyfriend if he’s ever sprung a boner when he’s had to whizz, his exact response was, “absolutely not.” K cool, thanks.

My personal theory was that my boyfriend was having pervy dreams…

Paul Joannides, Psy.D., a training and supervising psychoanalyst and author of “The Guide To Getting It On,” seconded my boyfriend’s conclusion — minus the tude’. He says morning erections are not “nature’s way of keeping a man from wetting his bed due to a full bladder. Plenty of men wake up with a full bladder and no erection, and are able to make it to the bathroom just fine.”

My personal theory was that my boyfriend was having pervy dreams, which made my eyes roll even more at the harsh wake-up call. Though this isn’t technically true, some experts think nocturnal erections begin as the body shifts into REM cycle and end when men transition into deeper sleep. That means these pesky erections don’t just happen in the AM. In fact, they occur three to five times A NIGHT, lasting about 25 to 35 minutes.

Clinical sexologist and relationship coach Uta Demontis, Ph.D. says “morning wood has nothing to do with dreams during the night, as spontaneous erections have also been observed in male fetuses in the womb.” Fetus boners — who knew?!

Instead, she believes it all comes down to healthy blood levels, as men get sprung in the middle of the night to increase blood flow and oxygenate their peens. Testosterone also surges to its highest levels in the early morning hours, which explains the rock hard wake up call.

So basically, I’ve just got to wait a couple more decades for my boyfriend’s dick to give up.

So why don’t men experience NARB (No Apparent Reason Boners) during the day? Because the brain emits an “anti-erection chemical” that prevents them from getting erections at socially inappropriate times. If scientists could somehow bottle that chemical so I could also avoid public embarrassment, it would be great appreciated.

Sexologist and author of “Sex for Grown-Ups” Gloria Brame, Ph.D. told Women’s Health these morning salutes probably won’t last a lifetime. “It’s typical of adolescents and young men, due to their peak levels of hormones, which correlate to the frequency of their erections and their need for release,” she explained. “Naturally, as men age, this occurrence wanes as their testosterone levels and sexual function decline.”

So basically, I’ve just got to wait a couple more decades for my boyfriend’s dick to give up. Until then, I’ll just have to put up with his boner poking my butt at the crack of dawn like,”Good morning, beautiful. Did I wake you? Well now that we’re all here, hows about we get this day started off right?” Ugh.