The End and the Beginning of Forever
Chapter 2 Numb (Excerpt)
My heart was pounding, and my feet could feel the cold wet pavement as I was running barefoot in this empty and long street I could not recognized. He was chasing me and I was going out of breath. I needed to run faster but for some reason my legs did not wanted to obey my brain. The more I tried to run, the more I seemed to lag behind. I was terrified of him catching me and breaking more of what was already ruined inside me. “Help, please help!” I yelled for anyone who was listening to my desperate call, but no one answer. Suddenly I felt a hand touch my shoulder, shaking me, and then everything went blank.
“Leila wake up,” says the desperate voice. When I open my eyes, my mom is in front of me, leaning over me. She looks at me with worried eyes, the wrinkles in her eyes seem to stand out because of the lighting of the room, making her seem older than she is.
My eyes are wet with fresh tears caused from my freshest nightmare. I had constantly been having the same nightmare for weeks, and each and every time that disgusting man would be chase me and hurt me.
“Leila what’s going on with you? You’ve been having nightmares and these past two weeks you’ve been acting very different. Is it about boys? Or have you had problems with your friends? May be is it about school?” She asked question after question with concern in her voice, yet I could not tell her that I had being raped and that I did not find any meaning in life anymore.
I could not tell anyone about how I felt because I was ashamed and disgusted. All I really wanted was to disappear from the world and leave behind my hurt and pain and drift into nothing.
But of course, I couldn’t possibly tell her these things. I couldn’t tell my mother that her daughter was tainted.
“I’m fine mom I’m just a little stress out with some classes at school but that’s all, there’s nothing to worry about. Besides I’ve been feeling a little tired lately and I think it’s because of work as well, so really don’t worry about me okay.” I said these last lines with as much enthusiasm as possible, but I knew that she could see through me and she was able to see that I was not fine at all.
“All right then, if you say you’re fine then you’re fine. I just want to remind you that if there is anything that you need I’ll always be here for you.” She gives me a light kiss to my forehead and leaves, closing the door to my bedroom behind her.
Once my mom was out of my bedroom I welcomed each and every one of my tears, and I covered my mouth with my pillow so my mother would not hear my cries. I cried and cried for hours. Even though it had been three weeks since that horrible episode I still could feel those disgusting hands touch me and inflict pain not only on my body, but also through my tired soul
* * *
“Leila please tell me what is going on with you. You’ve been acting different lately. I mean, you missed work and school for two weeks. When I texted you to see if I could visit you, you kept giving me lame excuses to not go see you and now that you’re back to work you barely talk to me. Did I do something to you?” Said Mandy with a shaking voice and watering eyes.
“No Miranda, don’t say that. It’s just that…” I couldn’t hold it anymore, the dam to my emotions tears open and I break down crying in front of her, sobbing. “I can’t tell you, because it’s so horrible.” I say crying. I could feel myself shaking and I could hear the loud pounding of my heart against my ears.
“What could be so horrible that you can’t even tell me? I mean we are friends right? We’re supposed to tell each other everything. Whatever it is I’m here for you.” Miranda says reaching her arm out to give my hand a reassuring squeeze.
Couldn’t take it anymore, I had to tell someone, no I needed to tell someone.”
Without looking at her in the eye, all I was able cry out was “I, I was raped.”
The shock on her face was noticeable, but she immediately grabbed me to give me a tight a hug. From her voice, I could tell that she wanted to cry along with me because she was always sensitive to others emotions.
“O my god Leila! When did this happen? You need to do something about it. Did you file a police report? Who could do such a thing to you?”
After her interrogation. She assured me that everything was going to be all right. But I knew that things would never be all right.
Eventually I told Miranda the whole story of what happened. Also, I told her that I had decided not to press any charges because I felt ashamed and embarrassed, and I didn’t want anyone else to know about what happened. As I had anticipated, Miranda did not react warmly to my decision.
“Are you crazy Leila? You have to go to the police, and tell them about what happened!” Miranda says strongly.
“Please Miranda don’t try to convince me to go to the police. At this moment all I want is to forget what happened.” I said it a bit more forcefully than I wanted to. I wanted to convince Miranda that all I wanted was to forget about everything that happened that night.
With a scowl on her face and an unhappy look in her eyes, she finally gives up and agrees, “Very well if that’s what you want, that’s okay, but just so you know I do not agree with this.” She takes a drink of water almost finishing it in one gulp.
“You’re thirsty.” I said to her in a form of joke trying to change the subject. I not want to talk to her about me anymore.
She gave me a look that said she did not like was I was doing, but she would never force me to do something I didn’t want to. So, showing her support, she grabbed my arm and gave it a small squeeze. With a small smile on her face, she said, “Let’s go out and do something.”
Miranda invited me to her apartment to have lunch with her. We ate and talked about trivial stuff such as, school, work, the weather, and the latest celebrity gossip. Through it all I was completely grateful of everything she was trying to do to distract me and make me feel like I was normal again, the same me before the incidence. I almost worked.
I couldn’t concentrate in my classes and my grades dropped drastically. It was very hard to go to sleep and when I would finally go to sleep I would have the nightmares. Many times I felt like a zombie. I wished many times to be completely numb, unthinking and unfeeling.
As I was walking to anthropology class one day, I couldn’t help but think how much I hated that class, it was definitely not one of my favorite subjects in the world. I walked through the door and sat all the way in back of the classroom, in the corner. I was taking out my notebook and my black pen getting ready to take notes when someone called my name.
“Leila.” said a male voice.
I turned my head to the sound of the voice, surprised.
“Hey,” I said giving a little nod with my head. I tried to ignore him, but he had other plans.
“I’m sorry I haven’t introduce myself,” he said with a nervous chuckle, “My name is Zachary, but you can call me Zac. All my friends call me like that.” He said with a nice genuine smile forming on his lips.
“I’m sorry, but how do you know my name?” I asked. From what I remember I don’t remember giving my name to him at all. I had seen him only once, and I was completely sure that that day I noticed him more than he noticed me. I remember him because of those bright blue eyes.
My thoughts were interrupted by Professor Mullins.
“Class today’s lecture it is very important, you must pay careful attention to the PowerPoint and examples I will give you.” Says the professor with a serious tone in his voice.
And then the class began.