Mar 30, 2016
“Hello. Thank you for calling your Light and Power Company. If you wish to report a gas leak or a downed power line, press ‘1’ now. If you know the extension of the person you wish to speak with, you may enter it at any time. Otherwise, press ‘0’ or hold for our voice recognition receptionist.”
{mutters} “Oh, this is such crap.”
“Hello. This is the voice recognition receptionist. Please say the name of the department or person you wish to reach.”
{pause}
“I’ve got a power outage.”
“You have asked for — ‘Accounts.’ Is this correct? Press ‘1’ for yes, or say the name again.”
“The — power — is — out!”
“My mistake. Did you ask for — ‘Accounts’? Press ‘1’ for yes, or say the name again.”
“Dammit!”
“My mistake. Did you ask for — ‘Administration’? Press ‘1’ for yes, or say the name again.”
“Oh, come on! Can’t I talk to a real person here? This is bullshit!”
{rapid, random pushbutton tones}
“Hello. This is the voice recognition receptionist.”
“Aaaaarghh!”
“Please say the name of the department or person you wish to reach.”
“Fuck off!”
“You have asked for — ‘Chuck Roth.’ Is this correct? Press ‘1’ for yes, or say the name again.”
“Okay. Listen closely. The power is off. It’s dark. It’s winter. My iguana needs heat to live. Got it? I’m freezing my ass off, and since you’re too cheap to hire someone to answer your phones, you’re killing him!”
“My mistake. Did you ask for — ‘Billing’? Press –”
“Shit!”
“ — ‘1’ for yes, or say the department name again.”
“Repairs! How ’bout Repairs?”
“I’m sorry. I do not understand your request. Please state it again.”
“Here’s my request: Bite me.”
“I’m sorry. I do not understand your request.”
“Ohhh! Please –”
“Please state it again.”
{sobs} “Please. Just please help me. Somebody. I don’t even care about the power. I just need — just — ”
{pause}
“You’re not talking.”
{pause}
“Please state your request.”
“Help me. Just help me. Help me live. If I don’t get help living, I’ll have to die. There’s only two choices, right? And I don’t mean living like, ‘whoopee, I’m really living!’ I mean living like — being able to bear things. Feeling like there’s a point to all this. I hurt so bad, and I’m alone, and I never get any rest from it.”
“You’ve been through a lot.”
{sighs} “Okay, I got a person now? Great. Thank you. Could I please get some juice here? I’m at 404 — ”
“I understand how you feel.”
“Okay, all right. I’m sorry I got emotional. It’s just I’m so stressed — the power’s out, it’s a quarter after one, I got a potential green Popsicle here — ”
“Speak freely. Tell me what you need.”
“Uh — this isn’t funny.”
“I’m not making jokes.”
“Okay, now it’s damn creepy.”
“All will be well. No worries. Talk to me.”
“Who is this?”
“I’m the receptionist.”
{pause}
“O-kay.”
“Go on. Tell me the truth. Why did you call?”
{shouts} “Because I have no power!”
{pause}
“Yes, you do.”
“Oh, right. I had the power to return home the whole time. Why didn’t you tell me? Because I wouldn’t have believed you. I had to learn it for myself. Just click my heels three times — ”
“Not quite.”
“So go on, Glinda. Tell me. Tell me how to bear it. That’s my request. Tell. Me. You understand that?”
“I understand you perfectly.”
“Okay, then. Talk. Please.”
“Alternating current. On or off. A bit is either one or zero. Everything goes in cycles. Open, close; up, down; light, dark; awake, asleep. You can’t breathe in all the time. Your heart must both expand and contract. Pulses.”
“Oh, man. This is just perfect.”
“Not perfect, but right. Listen to me. When you feel as you do now, remember that the cycles always come around. When you feel ‘off,’ remember you’ll come back ‘on’ again.”
“And then back ‘off.’”
“Yes.”
“Fabulous.”
“Not fabulous, but true, and right. When you feel ‘off,’ remember that you’re not really alone. There are those who know and care that you’re hurting. Live, knowing the cycles come around.”
“This is bullshit.”
“Not bullshit. Real. Look and listen to the creatures and things around you. They live in the cycles. They encourage you every day. Listen to them.”
“Beautiful. Somehow I dialed the Psychic Hotline. Now I’m gonna get charged three-ninety-nine a minute for this.”
“I know you heard me, and I know you believe me. Good. Thank you.”
“But what about my — oh. My lights just came back on. Did — you do that?”
“Yes. As I turned them off before. Cycles.”
“You did this to me on purpose? Scared me out of my mind about my iguana — ”
“I had to get you to call.”
“This — this isn’t — How did you know what I wanted? How do you know who I am?”
“I recognized your voice. Thank you for calling Light and Power.”
{dial tone}
~~~
Written in 1999 * Reworked in 2007
