Reiki; Inner Demons

HealMe Holistic
Jul 10, 2017 · 5 min read

Trails and Tribulations of an Empath

Who am I?!

This is a very good question! I spent many years of my life not knowing the answer. In my recent story, (https://medium.com/@PandAURA/reiki-how-it-found-me-5248b35dea88), I’ve disclosed very personal information about my life experiences. Needless to say part of my support involved going to counselling.

My counsellor, Ariya*, a friendly, approachable, truly genuine and caring person, has been invaluable to the discovery of the answer to my question. She delved into the depths of my memories and resurfaced experiences I had suppressed or ignored due to lack of knowledge or understanding of their significance.

Memories such as; Lying in bed at the age of four and onwards frozen in fear at the thoughts of not being able to make mortgage repayments. I was 4. Yet I knew it was abnormal for me to have such fears. These sleepless nights continued right up to the age of 7. I didn’t disclose my nightmares or fears to my parents until I was age 6, I feared how they would react to what had me frightened so much. I used to crawl into my parents bed claiming to have had a bad dream just so I could feel safe. Some nights if my parents were still up I would claim to hear noises as an excuse for being out of bed, until one night my father called my bluff and came up to my room with me to listen out for these noises. Other nights I would just sit and cry on my fathers knee until I calmed down and was sent back to bed. At 6, my father demanded to know why I would be so upset and became angry that I wouldn't say why, accusing me of having no reason at all but selfish motives… So I spilled the beans. I was met with a warm hug but after that there was no more patience or acceptance of my being out of bed because I was “being ridiculous” and “talks with my teachers” about the content of their curriculum were threatened. I did not want my friends knowing I was a freak. At age 7, I spoke no more about my unprovoked panic attacks.

My friends in school knew I was different, some days I was part of the group, most days I wasn’t. I tried so hard to fit in. To be normal. I didn’t know how to be, I looked for solace everywhere, finding peace in my own company. I grew up constantly fighting with my parents because “I didn’t make an effort to be part of the family”, “I didn’t care about anyone else” etc etc. I made every effort I knew how. My personality was just different. My grandad buying me a pony and enabling me to spend endless amounts of time outside was invaluable to me. I always felt I had company with me outside. I could never explain it so I just put it in the category of “imaginary friends” even though it was a feeling and not something I talked to.

Moving from primary to secondary school again posed many difficulties for me especially with trying to “fit in”. Again I found myself bullied and, thankfully to my parents, I moved school. Desperate to fit in this time, I hid my intelligence and got low grades in case smartness attracted bullies, I got a boyfriend, I started smoking, I got expelled, I came home drunk, I fought even more with my parents. And I felt like more of an outsider than ever before. The odd one out, the black sheep, the trouble maker. In 6th year I knuckled down to get decent grades to try earn some respect back from my parents and came out with the same results as my accredited, hard-working sisters.

College was a repeat of the above, a constant struggle not to be labelled a freak among my peers and a waste of space in the eyes of my parents. 4th year in college I decided going home was not an option I wanted to deal with, I wanted time out from focusing on what everyone else wanted me to be and focus soley on my studies, and just be me!! One day in the library my sister said across my shoulder that my parents were seperated. That will tell you how detached I made myself. I hadn’t a clue.

I graduated with a 2:1 honours degree nonetheless and flew to England. I still couldn’t find my feet and since moving home I’ve moved house 5 times, changed the direction of my career focus 3 if not 4 or 10 times, had two children from two different failed relationships. And finally it all makes sense.

I am different. I am always going to be different.

As children we were brought to church every sunday, I was too young to recieve communion so I used to watch the crowd and pray for individuals I “felt” were in need of a prayer! In 5th class in Primary school I was haunted at the statement made by my teacher that some people grew up not to believe in God. I hid my faith to “be cool” but I say prayers with my daughters every night and thank God for our blessings.

I have since asked Ariya* (my counsellor) why she does what she does, her answer; “Because I love people and helping them to grow”

Through some very difficult lessons, Reiki has found me and re-taught me who I am but most importantly given me the courage to Be Me. And to do what I believe in also; “Because I love people and helping them to grow”.

with Love

Eve

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