Papa, please don’t sneak out on me

“Go on Dad, enjoy your cup of coffee, I’m going to play here and will wait till the time you return and then we will head back home”. After 4 emotionally draining weeks, Sartaaj my 31-month-old son, babbled me these golden words, before heading to his play school. Finally a little win in my war to settle my kid down into his first play school.
Was it tough? It bloody was. Was it worth the effort? Every single minute of it was. But why did I make it so tough for me, myself and him? It was always going to be tough for him, letting go to the only two souls he knows of. I made it harder for myself because of my entrepreneur spirit combined with the parenting gut. If I see a problem, I have to solve it, period. I prefer not to refer to any parenting guide books but rather refer to my parenting gut book(PG Book), and the gut book told me I should not just abandon my son, sneak out as soon I seek him getting comfortable there. There ought to be a better way doing this. Sitting under the scorching heat, questioning by decision, I would see other parents play hide and seek with their kid’s attention and elope away at the first chance.
I never understood the concept of sneaking out. The foundation of any relationship is Trust. That’s what we break every time we are not there when our kids look for us. Think of it this way- You end up in a small village in China (you can’t speak mandarin BTW) with an interpreter. And that one interpreter happens to be one of the only two humans you happen to know. One day the translator runs away without telling you where he is going or when and if he is going to be back. Honestly, I would freak out and I am sure most of us would. That’s precisely what our kids feels when we sneak out. The only thing the kid fears is what we give them, the fear of abandonment and in turn tell them not to trust us.
Does secretly fleeing away change anything? Not really, it just delays the inevitable. As soon the kid realizes that they have been marooned they start crying their lungs out, which is what the parents wanted to prevent in the first place but now the bawling is accompanied by an additional feeling of desertion. Simply put, not seeing our kid cry only makes us feel better, like a false belief, but it truth makes it even worse for the kid. I would rather have my kid cry for the right reason and let him live through it.
What did I do?
- Trust — I would never sneak out. I would keep asking Sartaaj if I can go for a cup of coffee or a Pee break to which he would say no and I would listen to him, stay back, at least for a few days. I wanted to build his trust, that I would listen to him. I did not anywhere without asking telling/asking him and kept on telling him the same. I had to build up his trust before I could finally drop the bomb.
- Leave — When you’ve gotta go you’ve gotta go. Once I decided it was time to leave him I would put on a big smile to hide my anxiety and fears, tell him where and why I was going, hug him and leave. Never looked back. It’s was hellish. No matter how loud his crying went, I just turned away and left and let him see me leaving but never came back instantly. I never left the school and was available for SOS calls. It’s OK to come back when the kid is inconsolable but important to let him know that you are leaving and more important to tell him that you came back just as you promised.
- Talk — I talked to him a lot about where I went, why I left him, what I did, what I ate etc. Made him feel like it was a part of our daily routine and nothing out of place so it could sink into him easily. More importantly, I spoke to him like adults, assuming he would understand everything. I also made it sure we visited the cafe where I sat every day before going to school, this gave him a visual confirmation of my whereabouts.
- Wing man — Teachers and/or Didi’s at the school are possibly the best wing men to help you combat this war of separation. You can’t win this war unless you have someone in whom you kid can find solace. I tried to be least entertaining or rather boring when Sartaaj was with others just to find out whom would be my perfect wing man. I would let him get bored too, so he would find what he would love to do and with whom.
What change did this bring about?

Had he settled down even without my stunts? Most definitely he would have, probably even earlier but it’s something I would rather not know.

I am the founder of Galaxy of Love, a platform to #expresslove. Go on tell someone how much you love them…
