Pressure

I’ve been trying desperately to keep or reclaim the peace of mind I found the other day which I wrote of.

It didn’t take many ‘what if…’s or ‘what happens when’s for the peace to be crowded out of my mind. The pressure is enormous and it is exhausting to fight the negativity so at the end of this I have enough of my old self to dust off the negative thinking and the induced fear so I’m not a scarecrow of a person.

They say you get to choose how you react to what happens to you. They don’t tell you how incredibly difficult that can be to choose the positive when you’re already down and the negative is crashing on your back in waves.

Adding to this is the amount of conflicting information about bankruptcy and existence of many vultures on the internet taking the form of ‘trustees’. I’ve learned that these people make more money depending on what they advise you to do instantly making their ‘info’ suspect. Also, as I live in Canada, each province has different rules & I get conflicting rule interpretation from people I ask.

For the sake of getting the pity party out of my head I’m having a devil of a time getting a new job. Summer being summer has been difficult. No one around here has been hiring during these months of vacation time. Many don’t give me the feeling they ‘need’ to hire & are happy to go on flailing at whatever they’re doing. This has certainly been the case of the startups I’ve spoken to. I can relate to the lack of certain knowledge of what direct to turn & execute.

One startup I’ve been involved with has named me their CEO with customer prospects that seem very legit. I don’t think I can classify their problems as “pain” as they are really quite comfortable overall. They see a long arc of losing revenue for the future, but the profit margins are so gigantic its hard to see it as anything other than a very big opportunity vs pain. The picture of the frog in increasingly hot water comes to mind. If just one of the potential customers gives this startup the green light I should be ok. I fear bankruptcy might fuck that opportunity for me.

All things that might turn things around for me are up in the air while the rest breathes down my neck.

I’m hiring a tax lawyer to sit between me and the CRA so I can unburden that very stressful interaction. Not to fight, just to talk on my behalf and help me survive this. I should have another month before I have to make a final decision. I’d love to just pull the trigger on all this for the sake of my sanity, but that seems weak and ultimately not very smart.

I’m off to do a draft final on my personal and company taxes for last year with my accountant in 30 mins. I have a very real fear of getting sick to my stomach, spinning out, and falling to the floor in a sheet of sweat. It happens to me sometimes when I’m this stressed out with this kind of thing.

Well, off to the acct….