I think you should make it shorter, and focus a bit more. There are disjointed elements you call up and, I think, don’t see through. For example, the comic with the man lying in cherry blossoms. You drop that detail, and then kind …

Great piece.
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K.E. Kimball
Patrick Faller
Feb 25, 2017 · 1 min read

Yep. I knew I’d get caught for these. The role play came through as I revising the poem, and I took the lazy route and decided to try leaving it vaguely rendered in the draft.

I believe you’re right about the others, too. The man in the blossoms. The speaker’s musings about moths. These’ll need to go or else be reconsidered.

    Patrick Faller

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    Patrick Faller

    When teaching, I aim to help students use writing to connect with their passions. When writing, I try to guide readers toward what they might have missed.

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