A Weekend Update

Michael Phelps has won his fifth gold medal this year and has twenty eight medals in total, once again proving the demotivating effects of marijuana.

Donald Trump has responded to his losses in the polls by criticizing the Media. “That’s crazy talk!” responded every form of media.

Local woman sues the state of New Jersey over her right to get a vanity plate labeled ‘8THEIST’. “Thank God!” She said after the verdict.

‘I’d Be the Michael Phelps of Swimming If He Wasn’t There’ Claims Ryan Lochte. But he could barely be heard over the clatter of Michael Phelp’s Medals.