10 True Facts about Abraham Lincoln for President’s Day

1. Wrestled Luchador for two years under the name “El Presidente Largo”
2. Wore Magic Underwear, but not the Mormon kind
3. Beard covered tribal neck tattoo from the whaling years
4. Nailed his audition for the penny so hard they gave him the five dollar bill on the spot
5. Failed to deliver the Emancipation Proclamation in 30 minutes or less, so by company policy the slaves were free.
6. Born in log cabin after Big Bad Wolf destroyed straw one
7. 5th consecutive President to not be James K Polk
8. Always haunted by his failure to travel forward in time to stop the Kennedy assassination
9. Believed he was a vampire for years, until an aide explained to him the difference between mirrors and windows
10. Murdered by an actor with three names, the way we all will be some day.