I have a girlfriend. Long distance for about a year. Still trying to go strong. Make everything feel okay. Feel right. Feel safe. Feel fine. Feel…
Almost every night for a while I’ve had dreams about being with other people in various ways. It’s just a strange thing. I’m the type of person who needs to be in the room with someone in order to really be myself with them. In order to really communicate 100%. And when a relationship is nothing but phone calls and video chats… I forget what was there. I start to question if there was anything there in the first place. There must have been right? We’ve been together 3 years… That can’t have just happened without there being something special holding us together.
But I can’t feel it now. And I miss that feeling so much! Just companionship. Someone you can really give care and love too 100% (in the room, in the moment, not over a phone call). I guess I feel like my true self is kind of lost, because I feel the most myself when I can really share with someone how much I love them. And I just can’t do that. And there are other people in my life (here, in the room) that I feel like I could have that with. But I can’t and I won’t and I’m confused and it’s hard and it’s… Cuz I have a girlfriend. And my memories tell me that I love her. And that she loves me. And what we have is great. But we’re both young. And our paths lead us all over the place location wise. And I want to feel free to roam all over location wise while I am young and aren’t as tied down. But I don’t think I can do that without being able to love someone I can actually be with along the way. I’m empty on the phone. I’m so empty. I don’t know what to do.
There’s still plenty of time to go until we might be able to be together again full time. And again after that, I want to feel free to roam and have adventures that might take me places where she might not be able to go or might not want to go. And I don’t know if I can keep doing this.
I’m visiting her this weekend. I’m hoping that will help me decipher all of this.
The thing is — it’s actually kind of funny. If we break up I’m scared to feel alone… but alone is exactly how I feel right now. I just put that together.
And if we do break up, maybe the time may come where we find each other again and get back together… and I’m almost happy to leave it at that.
But this long distance shit. I can’t do it for much longer. It’s eating me up. I want somebody to love, Mr. Mercury.