Do you ever doubt yourself? I know I do
For the last few weeks I’ve been writing about what it means to be a loving leader. You don’t have to formally work as a manager to be a leader — all of us can be leaders in making a difference in the lives of those around us.
Loving leadership is grounded in holding the value of every single person to the same level as your own self-worth, and intentionally striving to align every word, decision, and action with that recognition. When you show up with that intention, day in day out, moment by moment, remarkable things start to happen.
Last week Leslie Peters was kind enough to take an hour out of her busy week to talk with me about loving leadership. It was an inspiring discussion, and touched on a key point:
Your own self-worth is crucial. If you don’t unconditionally value and accept yourself, it will be almost impossible to value everyone else in this unconditional way.
I doubt myself greatly
I remember when I was a teenager I made it onto the Victorian Karate team. I’d had been training since I was 11, and lost pretty much every bout in every tournament I entered. But then when I was 14, something clicked and I started winning.
Before I knew it I found myself competing in the Victorian championships, and in what seemed like a miracle to me, I qualified for the Victorian team.
The train trip to Adelaide with the team was exhilarating. Like a dream come true. But when I arrived and saw all of these people wearing their state team tracksuits from all the different states in Australia, I had a heart sinking realization — “I’m here with the best karate fighters from all over Australia”. I felt unworthy, out of place, and extremely nervous.
The morning of the tournament I was in the bathroom, bringing up what was left of the small amount of breakfast I could stomach. I was feeling the pressure. I was trying to put on a brave face, but inside I was a wreck.
Finally it came to my division. 14 year old boys onto the mat. I walked out for my first bout. 2 minutes later I walked off the mat beaten. My heart aching, as I felt that I’d let everyone down. One of the coaches came up to me and I tried to speak. But only tears came out.
What got me through
Coming out of that experience, I could have decided to give up karate. I felt completely unworthy, and this was even more solidified in my mind after the failure.
But I didn’t give up.
Why?
It wasn’t because someone told me I was awesome and that I could do anything.
It wasn’t because I suddenly let go of any doubt about my abilities.
It was because someone told me I was unconditionally loved. It was because someone said to me that they would be there for me no matter what. Whether I succeeded or failed.
And I believed them.
I have my parents to thank for my persistence with karate. In the following years I had many karate successes and failures, but the failures never stung like that first nationals in Adelaide.
Self-worth is not the opposite of self-doubt
An important lesson I’ve learned in life is that self-worth is not the opposite of self-doubt.
Self-worth means that you recognize the inherent precious value that you have as a person. No matter what weaknesses you have, no matter what failures you’ve experienced, no matter what regrets you have chalked up, you are special and important and valued. Just for being you. A unique living masterpiece.
Self-doubt means that you have a sober awareness of your abilities and your limitations. It is a recognition that you may not always be right. Self-doubt keeps you safe from the trap of over-confidence, and in its right measure assists massively in being a successful leader.
If you combine self-doubt with a low self-worth, it is debilitating.
But if you combine self-doubt with an unconditionally high self-worth, then it inspiringly powerful.
How do you find true self-worth?
In my karate story, I had too much of my self-worth tied up in my achievements. If I was successful, I felt worthy. If I failed, I felt unworthy.
Trying to find self-worth by aiming to become better and better is a perilous path. Sure it may be the catalyst for amazing effort and achievement, but in the long run it leads to destruction. A never-satisfied thirst for the next achievement that often leaves lots of casualties in its wake as others are cast aside who don’t make the grade.
True self-worth comes from being loved. Being unconditionally loved. A toddler doesn’t get their self-worth from anything inside themselves. They get it from the unconditional love of their parents. And this foundation of unconditional love can support an even greater level of effort and achievement than without, as we dare to be even bolder with a safety net that will always catch us.
Losing in the first round of that first national tournament was in my mind the biggest failure in my life to that point. It was the unconditional love shown to me after that failure, after I felt I had let everyone down, that gave me the self-worth needed to continue on.
I’m grateful that I doubt myself
I still doubt myself to this day. I doubt my ability as a leader. I doubt my ability to write this article smoothly. I doubt that I am capable of staying afloat amidst all of the complexities and pressures of my life.
But I am grateful for these doubts. They keep me humble. They help me seek out, listen to, and rely on the help of others.
Most of all they remind me that even though there are many things about myself that I doubt, there is one thing that I can completely trust in and rely on no matter what. And that is love.
Trusting in love
It may sound strange to hear me say that I completely trust in love. But it is true.
There are two things that my life journey and leadership journey have taught me without doubt.
The first is that I am loved. I am unconditionally loved. I can fail in every way that it is possible to fail, but I will still be loved. I could write endlessly about all the different ways that I know I am loved, but this blog post is not the place. One thing I will say is that you would see the unconditional love and support of my wife and kids at the top of the list.
The second is that love can be relied on. No matter what situation you are in, no matter how complex or challenging, if you truly value those around you, engage them, listen to them, trust them, encourage them, then remarkable things happen. Every single success in my leadership career can be tied back to amazing things achieved by the special people around me. My job is to love those people and to help set up an atmosphere and environment where they can thrive.
My confidence as a leader does not come from self-confidence. It comes from confidence in the power of love. I know that if I open my heart and genuinely unconditionally love people, that the best things inside of me and inside of them will come out.
You are loved
The reason I am writing this blog today is to remind you that you are loved. You truly are. You are unique. You are special. You are exquisite. You have talents that if they were allowed to shine in their complete fullness would amaze all who beheld them. You have pure goodness inside of you, even the smallest glimpses of which deeply touch people. And no matter how much you have failed, no matter how many scars you carry, no matter how much you have been treated in a way that is the opposite of true love, no matter what your weaknesses and shortcomings, no matter what your self-doubts, there is nothing that can detract from your inherent priceless worth.
I don’t think we tell each other enough just how deeply and genuinely we value each other. And I am taking the risk of doing that this morning.
In the years of my life when I doubted my self-worth I could never have written this blog post. It is only from the foundation of having experienced being unconditionally loved that I have the confidence to write this today.
Tell someone today how much you value them
Is there someone in your life that could benefit from being reminded just how much you genuinely value them, for who they are, no matter what? If there is, then please reach out today to let them know that. We all need the reminder.
If you aren’t sure what to say, send them a link to this blog and tell them that you appreciate them with the fulness of the sentiment this blog conveys.
And remember, always remember, that your worth is beyond measure, and no matter how much you fail this will never change. By all means have healthy self-doubt and stay humble. But never doubt that you are loved. And never doubt the power of love.
Cheers,
Paul.
