On the 27th of may, 2008, my life would change. I didn’t know this at the time but there was a chapter that ended, and a new one would start. Life was going ok for me. I had a girlfriend, a rare thing for me, the Internet was booming and I was riding that career wave. I woke up like most Saturdays. Instead of going online that morning; and checking the websites that I had built – watching out for trolls, hackers, bugs, etc… I phoned my girlfriend in Aberdeen. I then watched James Martin on Saturday Kitchin. I’m not sure why I didn’t check the websites that morning, but that’s when I got the call from Mum. She was in tears, almost hysterically. She needed Dads laptop. She needed it right now.
My dad was a businessman, one who lived on the edge of success. He had fingers in lies. I told mum that whatever it was, we would sort it out. It can’t be that bad. I thought maybe dad was having trouble with his latest deal… which was worth our families entire money – everything we had was tied up, our home, my parents retirement – dad had everything on the line. I thought it had fucked up, she was acting so hysterical, without specifics, that I thought my parents had serious shit going down. I said to mum, on the phone, ‘It won’t be so bad’, ‘we Dan sort it’… “it’s oh key”. I thought Maybe my father took one step too far & ended up like his own daddy; in jail for Buisness practices that were beyond remit.
I meet mum straight away, a few moments after that call, laptop in hand, in the carpark near where I lived. My Aunty; dads sister; and my uncle, her husband, were also there. Mum was in tears, she hugged me close, she said “it’s Norman…”, my fathers name, she never called him that “it’s Norman… it happened again. He didn’t make it. He had a heart attack”.
My first thought was that of numbness, it lasted a good few weeks. I was close to my dad, very close. I had spent the last 5 years living on-off in Cyprus with him, almost as if I was in retirement too. Days and weeks hanging out. Most 25 year olds were doing their own thing at the time, but I was forumalting many plans with Dad. This man, the man I who raised me, had died – I knew it was coming from the first heart attack when I was 13, in the end we said “it was not a surprise, but it was a shock.”. I had last seen him 2 weeks ago leaving the airport bound for London, as he stayed on.
So, I quickly went back to my own flat to get sone things, and that included a fist full of tablets… morphine, codiene, Diazipam. Anything. I knew I had taken my morning tablets already but I doubled up another dose to make it triple. I told my Flatmates that I would be going away for a while, I text my friend the exact words “shit, my dad Just died.”. I posted on a private forum the same words. ‘Shit, my dad just died’ – where my Flatmates (also on the forum) confirmed I wasn’t joking.
I got home, to mums home, and my fist full of pills took effect. I feel asleep in the couch in the living room, everyone thought it was the shock. I don’t know how long I was outl but when I woke up, the house was full – I remember all his sybling, friends, my cousins – they were all there. I forgot for a moment what had happened and wondered what was going on, and then it hit me. Everyone was contemplating what had just happened. It wasn’t just that he had died, I don’t think, it was that he was the first of his generation to go. I believe when the first sibling goes, at 64, there is a big thought of Who’s Next. Life is unfair, the youngest brother shouldn’t be the first to go.
Skip forward a few days of a blur of activity and I get The Dream for the first time. Eventually I’d tell councillors about this, but this dream felt so significant. And it would repeat every dew days. When it happens, I don’t want to go back to sleep.
I’m normally being chased, and then I wake up. I can feel the pillow under my head, the duvet on my body. I can hear the radio that I fall asleep too & when I wake up for real I know what’s being played. It’s then that I feel a pulling, there is nothing gripping me in my bed, but I can feel the sheets under me going up as I get pushed backwards. I’m awake, I can see my room. I can’t move though. Whenever I have this dream, Where I fall asleep at mine, my mums, my friends sofa… I can see the room I’m in. I can feel the material of whatever I’m asleep on, coming up as I’m dragged backwards. I eventually fall off the bed or sofa that I’m sleeping on, still being dragged backwards. I come to the door of the room and then the stairs, even if there are no stairs in the place I’m in. I can feel the carpet going up across my body and face, backwards and backwards, I can hear the jingles on the radio, I feel as if I’m awake. …. And then, just as about as I’m to see the entity that is dragging me, I awake for real –, I’m in my bed, My heart rate is elevated, I was petrified but now my dream is over – and that important life threatening feeling, is a fleeting memory. My bed-items are where they should be. The radio is exactly playing the continuation of my dream; maybe i can somehow process sounds in my sleep? The room is also exactly how it was in my dream. The lighting. The items. The everything, except the doors and stairs that I felt I was dragged through.
I’d have this dream every few nights for a good 3–4 years, and then rarer but still there. I haven’t had this dream in a good few years now, until last night, where I dreamt it again.