I know I’m getting old. The. aches and pains when I get out of bed in the morning have been with me for years as has failing eyesight, bad teeth, loss of hair and T2 diabetes.

Whilst I realise that glasses, shaving my head, a healthy diet and a fitness regime go some way to alleviate the onset of old age, one thing I’d not been prepared for is how noisy life is since I’ve had hearing aids.

Years of gigs, working in bars and clubs and using headphones with the volume on 11 eventually took their toll on my ears. It was a bit like when I was 9, and realising that I couldn’t see the blackboard moved from my normal spot in the back row of the classroom to the front before finally admitting that I needed to get my eyes tested. I’d position myself somewhere in meetings where I could see people’s faces, and started switching on the subtitles when watching TV (it’s the actors mumbling, I said).

So, having invested in a pair of discrete hearing aids, I ventured into a noisy world that I’d not experienced for years.

Sitting on the late train home for the third night in a row, who knew that eating crisps creates a sound akin to footsteps on broken glass, and that the sound of turning a page of the newspaper is like autumn leaves being tossed about in the wind?

Then I realised that I’d turned the volume up on my earpieces as the sound man had problems with the microphone tonight and the comic was projecting his voice.

I’m in control. Now listening to a drunk girl chatting to her boyfriend inanely. Think I’ll take the batteries out, maybe being hard of hearing isn’t such an issue after all.