Super-refined bullcrap: Finding alien life

NASA has been trying to find extra-terrestrial life for decades now. The concept of alien life fails to excite me for the very reason that spiders, wombats and the salmonella bacteria fails to excite me. A lot of life-forms are not very fun to hang out with.

This is also a life form. This ‘thing’ is named after the scientist who discovered it, Dr. Divestoodeep.

This is why any human life-form with half a brain talks about finding intelligent life, and not just any alien life. Are we assuming that being intelligent, the aliens will not want to destroy humanity as a whole? Yes we are. In spite of being a specie that has waged two world wars, that assumption is safe to hold since nothing in the entire universe has bet on us being an intelligent life-form yet.

The truth is, we need to be looking for cool life-forms. Not just intelligent, cool.

I’ll judge a new alien life-form like I’ll judge a new co-worker. A huge head — I’ll let that slide. Being too blue or green, that’s cool with me. Can it not be too awkward when it meets the president? And can he talk to the girls without turning red when I take him to a club? That’s what I need to know.

Now let me make this clear, I’m not saying that the alien needs to be the next Conan O’Brien — a geeky alien is OK. A comic-book geek alien would be super cool. A video game geek — bring him in, we got DOTA. But if he identifies with Japanese tentacle porn he’s out of the planet, don’t ask me why.

Why am I saying all this? Because while NASA was sweating about the ditches on Mars that possibly had water that possibly indicates the possibility of life… well, they just passed up on a golden opportunity. I just discovered extra-terrestrial life — the cool kind — on Reddit.

Image: Artist’s impression of a random star letting out a big one. The actual Comet Lovejoy is too camera shy.

Yup. That means they’ve got candy and beer up there already. If we could just send a rocket up with some merchandise, maybe we could start a trade-link. Whoever named the comet ‘Lovejoy’ is already planning a vacation up there, I’m sure. So where do we get funding to run this trip? Can we crowd-source a start-up to do this?

Don’t get your hopes up though. It could just be a Malayalee running a booze shop and a bakery. Those guys are everywhere.