Now What?

What to Do About these Dirty Dishes

Congratulations, America, we did it again! We made it through another Trump Era Thanksgiving with minimal screaming and almost no black eyes!

Cousin Joe successfully shouted your sister into submission over how Trump would have lost if “Killary hadn’t robbed Bernie of the nomination.” Jeremy’s forceful explanation of rape-culture to his fiancée cemented his reputation as the wokest family member. Thankfully everyone agreed with grandpa that ALL lives matter.

Everyone has since fled your home and you’ve collapsed into a food coma in front of — God only knows why — a Jeff Dunham marathon on Comedy Central.

After waking up at 6:00am to get the turkey in the oven, decorate the house, entertain your guests, coach a crying four-year-old on how to liberate himself from a locked bathroom, and provide a special chestnut-free stuffing so as not to put Uncle Graham into anaphylaxis, you deserve a break. But your Thanksgiving is not over. It’s 9:00 at night and it’s just beginning. Because the question still remains, what — oh Sweet Baby Jesus, born to die in agony — are you to do about all these dirty dishes!?

Here are six quick and easy ways to take care of the dishes after your Thanksgiving feast!

  • Wash the dishes. If I wash and you rinse, we can be done in — no. No, no, no. That’s stupid. That idea is stupid. Get off this couch? After all that? You don’t even have the energy to turn off fucking Jeff Dunham. How are you supposed to spend another hour slogging over the kitchen sink? Screw that!
  • Line the dishes up on the kitchen floor and let the dog lick them clean for you. Don’t have a dog? Borrow one from a friend.
  • Throw the dishes away. This is America, and the Pilgrims didn’t fight the Civil War just so you’d have to waste your life scrubbing dishes. Throw those plates in the trash and buy new, clean ones. Or are you one of those commies that lost the Civil War?
  • Set the house of fire. Change your name to Erin/Aaron Trueholler and start out fresh in Montreal with a clean slate and clean kitchen sink.
  • *Line the inside of a cardboard box with plastic wrap, throw all the dirty dished inside with packing peanuts and seal it. Address the package to General Michael Flynn c/o The Federal Bureau of Prisons 320 First St. NW Washington, DC 20534. Include the message, “TIME OFF FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR!”
  • Put your face in your hands and weep in despair asking, “What have I done? What have I done?” Those dishes will still be around for March Madness.

Once you’ve solved the dilemma of how to deal with the stacks of dirty china in your sink, you can head to your bedroom and reward yourself with a good night’s — oh my God, what is that!?

Someone call an exorcist!

*Please do not really do this. This is a joke, and curse the times for making me have to say so. Besides, General Flynn hasn’t been convicted of anything…YET.

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Peter J Roth is a scalawag playwright from Cleveland. Follow him on Twitter @PeterJ_Roth.

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