The Pretentious Asshole’s Bookshelf

I realize that none of these books are listed. But they’re possible choices!

Imagine for a moment, that your life is so busy with things to do, watch, play, and so on, that you never have time to read anymore. But you’re tired of explaining to people that you don’t have time to read and that’s why you don’t have a bookshelf in the house.

Instead you can just buy yourself a small shelf (or a two shelf bookcase) and populate it with the following books. These will allow you to speak about books you’ve “read” and get those annoying people off your back around reading more books.

(For the single shelf model, please refer to the lower part of the list)

First shelf: All British literature. No questions asked. Nothing says “I’m really smart and well read” like a shelf full of agonizingly boring British novels. You can pick anything you think would fit. Frankly the easiest thing you can do is go look up “Top 10 British Novels” and click the first link that Google gives you.

That said, if you’re looking for some specifics, here are a few suggestions:

Dracula - because it was the first Vampire novel and represents “true vampirism” in literature.

Something involving ladies, like Emma, Jane Eyre, or Pride and Prejudice. You simply need to mention that it gave you feelings and believe in true love once more.

Dickens works real well, and since all of his books are nearly a thousand pages long, you can just claim in you’re in the middle of reading it and never be questioned about it!

An example of the famous two-shelf book shelf.

Okay, let’s move on to the second - and arguably more interesting - shelf:

The Lord of the Rings trilogy - now, you’ve only watched the movies. So you have to be careful about talking specifics or else you might get caught. In the event a discussion arises and someone says “I love these books!”, you simply say “The movies are garbage that don’t represent the true spirit of the books!”.

One of two things will happen in response: 1. the person you’re talking to gives an agreeing nod, or 2. they immediately shy away from the conversation because you’re “one of those people”. Problem solved.

One, or all, Harry Potter novels. But don’t organize them by order in the series, instead organize by which is your favorite. You can do this by reading the title or whichever has the coolest looking cover. Just make sure to put Order of the Phoenix and The Chamber of Secrets at the back because people hate those books!

The Chronicles of Narnia. I recommend buying the big collector’s book that has all sever stories in one. Makes it easier and more compact. If questioned, simply say that they were read to you as a child.

A Stephen King novel. You need to appear modern and adult right? So any Stephen King novel will do, but it’s best to go with something highly praised. Something like Carrie, or The Shining. Avoid his more recent works, as they’re not as well received.

Lastly, but not least, the only book you’ve actually read in the past several years: Steve Jobs’ biography, appropriately titled, Steve Jobs.

Now you’re good to go! No one will ever question your tastes in books ever again and you’ll appear to be one of the most well read people they know.

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