For the first time in my life, I don’t want to get married.

I suppose I was no different than any other girl in this world growing up. I grew up, though not obsessed with the idea of marriage, expecting that one day marriage like school would be a default part of my life. So even though the idea of being the perfect bride and wife did not influence my entire life’s choices, it was still very much a part of my narrative.

What I just described was indicative of my teen-aged years and for the most part my 20's. ‘For the most part’ because by then I had already suffered the inevitable heartbreak and the insatiable drive to achieve all of my childhood goals, which were not very marriagecentric.

Now, some years later and standing at that 30 threshold, the idea of marriage for me has evolved from ‘for the most part’ to no part at all do I want it in my life.

This is not to be attributed to some inability to love once more or to be satisfied with one’s achievements, but rather comes after much self-reflection as to why I thought marriage had to be a part of a woman’s life.

I was raised with the belief and the deepest respect for the institution of marriage and family. I thought that you could not have one without the other. And to a large measure I still believe this. Marriage is that social structure that satisfies a woman’s greatest emotional needs, honours a man’s need for respect and responsibility and provides children with that feeling of ‘all is well in this world’.

I know. A bit Utopian in perspective but that is my Utopian belief; not that relevant in this mundane sphere called life.

And hence why I believed that marriage was going to be a sure thing for me. I saw life with a very Utopian view not realising that my egalitarian view was beautiful and stabalising; the reality of life, including marriage, was not.

So, learning that marriage could not give me the sense of security that I needed, I also learned something totally revolutionary- something that was never taught to me: Family and marriage are not the most important things in life.

Based on my very Utopian world view, I believe (and damn it, still do) that family is the basic building block for all civilisation. You got to have it!

However, being the student of my life as well as many others near and afar, I came to realise that marriage and family didn’t build anything that was not already present.

In other words what was being built could only be as good as the builder.

And from my observations, no matter how well they fit the Utopian template, families and marriages were painfully dysfunctional. It was from these observations that I came to understand what mattered more than family and marriage.

Self-respect.

Husbands and fathers failed the Utopian ideal not because they weren’t capable of building the box in which to live the model, but because without coming to the table with a profound sense of genuine self-respect, marriage, family, sex and children were never going to be enough to soothe that proverbial itch that destroys the Utopian family life.

For wives and mothers, without self-respect marriage and children became a noose or a prison sentenced only to be endured and ended with death. The constant giving of self to others when you don’t have any real sense of respect is a PAINFUL toothaching reality.

Simply put families and marriages don’t build society, self-respect does. Without it life is just not worth living because nothing in life can be truly enjoyed, valued and protected when you are yet to experience that deep profound and personal sense of commitment, faith and belief in self.

Valid argument, I believe, but still does not answer the question why don’t you want to get married, because after all the quest for and maintaining self-respect is a lifelong journey that should be aided by milestone life commitments like marriage and family.

The operative word and hence the highlight is aid. I believe that for the most part people who become wives and husbands don’t necessarily aid, as they should, in each spouse’s self-respect, but rather disrupt or challenge it to the point of atrophy. I was going to write destroys it but that would defeat the whole notion of autonomy in self-respect.

Yes, you can come to a marriage with your self-respect in tact and healthy but the marriage partner whether we like it or not contributes to its development no matter how self-possessed the party is.

And hence why I don’t want to get married. I have not yet met a viable partner who comes to the table with that measure of self-assured and possessed respect. And who knows maybe I don’t have it…either?

In other words I don’t want for myself or anyone else for that matter to forsake self-respect, the most important ingredient to living an abundant life, just for the sake of upholding a necessary but albeit flawed cornerstone of society- marriage and family.

The key is not to rush or feel compelled that you must enter into this institution by default. If you have not found that self-possessed partner who has built and understoodd him or herself enough to know how to maintain it, then don’t rush into marriage.

The bling is not worth the outcome of the dysfunction because without the self-respect there is no commitment, honour or value in anything.